My daughter was put into an awful situation where she was made to feel guilty about a decision she made. The worst part of it was that it was her mother who put her there. She told me about it. I sighed. Then said, “The reason why you feel conflicted isn’t because you are weak; it is because you care.”
The crux of the situation is that notwithstanding the current share residency schedule, our daughter wanted to spend a little extra time with me on an impromptu basis. But true to form, the ex always enforces what is beneficial for her and thwarts what doesn’t. That’s my view as her ex-husband, but I am biased.
My daughter and I had a really good chat and I got a chance to understand the nature of her guilt for wanting to spend an extra day with me. At the end of our chat, she felt a bit better, but we did nothing to deter future occurrences. However, it did give her an understanding of these situations and liberated me from solving her problems.
The reason why you feel conflicted isn’t because you are weak; it is because you care.
Guilt tripping works only in close relationships. Only persons of kinship and close relations know us well enough to tug at our heartstrings to influence (and manipulate) our emotions. Guilt tripping is an indirect form of communications to cause or prevent the actions of another by bringing doubt to that person’s decisions rather than outwardly stating so. It is manipulative and it never happens just once. It’s important to know that the person causing the guilt trip is also under emotional distress. They know better and themselves feel guilty about openly asking. So instead, they use passive aggressive tactics to achieve their objective by leverage the other’s compassion and kindness.
Guilt tripping works because the focus is on decisions, not outcomes. It’s easier to judge the actions of others rather than intent. The former is visible and immediate while the latter may be neither. In the mind of the guilt tripper, this clandestine approach steers the decision of another to align with theirs. In a sense, guilt trips have to do with exerting control over another.
Guilt tripping works because it is emotional. I hope my daughter continues to develop a sense of humanity. Lessons of justice, and other humanistic pursuits are difficult to teach and impossible to workshop. As much as it is a lifelong pursuit for me to be more patient, understanding and compassionate, my daughter has already and successfully demonstrated her grasp in these areas with her display of conflicted emotions. It is unfortunate that her mom taps into our daughter’s sense of kindness as a lever to ratchet an advantage. But she’s not stupid and guilt trips only confirm to my daughter that she is a caring individual. Not only has her mom’s guilt tripping accelerated our daughter’s grasp of altruism, but it’s also hastened her to delineate herself from others.
The best way for my daughter to respond to these guilt trips is to listen, inquire and seek to understand why the request is placed on her. Not all guilt trips are tools of manipulation. They can actually produce a good outcome if the benefit is directed to a third-party. But it is difficult to discern good intentions if not communicated openly. And at the end of the day, open and really honest communications is the only way to erode not only the need, but the justification to manipulate a child in this way. And the one thing that guilt trips cannot tolerate is the objective perspective of a third party.
