I’m not sure why I was chosen as the man this young person had selected to come out to. I guess after hundreds of articles reflecting my general openness in the way I parent my child, this person felt I could offer a safe place for his personal disclosure. This person could be our child, a nephew, a cousin, a sister or brother or even a parent. But the message is the same: admission to oneself of sexual orientation is the first step in accepting who they are. This will irrevocably change how others define them. The next step was the desire to tell others and that’s when our conversation got a bit gray.
Coming out these days seems to be a non-issue and, in some circles, seems almost fashionable. Even in my daughter’s Grade 7 class, a student came out as gay. She was not teased, segregated or made to feel like a pariah. There weren’t even whispers and gossips amount cliques in the class. For the most part it just became ‘yesterday’s news’ as the week unfolded. In my daughter’s past Grade 6 class, a girl had started a transition from female to male. With name and haircut changed, the child accepted ‘himself’ and the family embraced his new identity. Who are we, the rest of us, to judge? And with the emergence of the concept of pansexuality in the sexual spectrum, the movement embracing trans, non-binary, and the adoption of they/them pronouns, coming out as only being gay seems so vanilla and uneventful nowadays.
But there’s still a lot of phobias that is covert and depending on the community and social circle, non-straight identity is still a very wrong idea and such choices need to be corrected. As horrific as it sounds and as impossible as the choices are, sometimes, being discrete and remaining silent are arguably the best choice—for the time being.
Secondary disclosures are also something to consider that are beyond the control of the person coming out. And tertiary disclosures often becomes rumors and gossip as the news travels scandalously through the grapevine.
A significant and courageous step has already been taken when a person admits and accepts their inner-self, I told this young person. To take the next courageous step to share this news with another person is also no less insignificant. A lot is at risk and sometimes, relationships cannot survive it. I’ve known gay parents ever since I became a parent and their struggles are no less different from straight parents. But even parents who are coming out to their kids or spouse (current or former), have a bit of cushion in that they are more grown up, have the wherewithal and mental stability to accept the range in reactions. For a young person, coming out without these shock absorbers can radically break their social circles and lifelines that they rely on such much. Coming out isn’t just about the person doing it; it’s also about the people who have known the person up to that point. The reaction can be proportional to the length of that relationship. Some will take it very personally and see the revelation as a betrayal. Some will misconstrue the whole thing and think it’s all about them!
The other thing young people need to be mindful of is that most of their peers are still going through physical, mental and social development. They will not be as mature. The environment, not as open. And in some communities, acceptance is simply not possible. Secondary disclosures are also something to consider that are beyond the control of the person coming out. Even if he has come out to his parents, the parents may choose not to accept this much less share this information with their peers for fear of shame and judgment that they have a gay child. And tertiary disclosures often becomes rumors and gossip as the news travels scandalously through the grapevine. At this point, the pride of coming out has lost its original narrative.
My cautious advice to this young person is to retain control of that message for as long as possible. While there is nothing shameful and there is nothing to hide, an individual’s sexual orientation is deeply personal and as such, there’s no compulsion to share. The news will not change, but the timing can.
