Dad, my friends are planning a night out. Can I go?” No, you’ve just turned a teenager, and there’s a big difference between being thirteen and nineteen. What were you thinking!!! “Well, a bunch of friends were planning on going to the theme park for a Halloween scare-fest. We’re going to be driven there and driven back by one of the parents. We need to buy our own tickets and I know everyone in our group who’s going.” It was almost like she rehearsed this and answered my questions preemptively!
I indulged her so I can know more on who all the kids were, where specifically they were going, how were the travel logistics planned and when she was coming back. She answered all my questions. There was also nothing new about the venue since she had been to that theme park many times. And I was already familiar with her classmates (and some of their parents) including the parent who volunteered to drive them all back to their respective homes. The only thing new to me was that it was a bunch of kids on their own without parent supervision at night! Yes, I have one condition in addition to keeping your phone turned on and hooked to your crossbody strap.
You must travel in a group of even numbers. “Ugh?” If two of you decide to do something the other doesn’t agree, then the third will be left out. If you travel in fours, then at least you can separate to go to the bathroom so no one will ever be alone. Along with your phone which will serve as your lifeline to me, you may need to find each other in a theme park of thousands at night…that’s my condition. Confirm that your three friends have tickets and I’ll buy you yours.
Letting go doesn’t get easier, but also doesn’t have to be frictionous, either. As with anything, growing up is a process and takes time.
I felt it was a good idea to let her explore this independence. I was satisfied with the parameters of the request and above all, I trust my daughter. It was also an exercise for both of us to see what would happen if the agreed upon plan deviated. It didn’t. And my backup plan would always be to go pick her up myself with whoever was stranded with her.
How much freedom you give your burgeoning teenager is up to you and your daughter to decide together, but trust is a fundamental requirement. It doesn’t mean she has carte blanche to do as she pleases. You still have to be involved and build incremental freedoms from each experience. But always remember that safety must always trump privacy.
Letting go doesn’t get easier, but also doesn’t have to be frictionous, either. As with anything, growing up is a process and takes time. Once upon a time, she learned to walk and run, but it sure didn’t mean she can run a marathon. Conversely, going out once doesn’t mean she’s going to be clubbing anytime soon. But slowing her down, putting controls in place or forbidding even rational requests will likely force behaviors to manifest in different and clandestine ways. That’s when trust begins to facture and a cascade of ambiguity and suspicion will ensue.
As a bonus to her night out, I had a night in! But toward the proverbial chime of midnight, like any dad, I was waiting in front of the TV and clock watching, counting the minutes.
