Your daughter’s pissed with you. Now what?

There is countless advice in books and internet articles helping us to manage tempers and nurture patience so we don’t take frustrations out on our kids. But what happens when the tables are turned and your daughter’s not only angry, but pissed with you?

Just because she’s 6 year-old doesn’t mean that you can treat her differently than if an adult was upset with you. So, the same rules apply. And whatever you do, don’t dismiss it and tell her to calm down. Let me use an analogy: if you try to stop this speeding train by stepping in front of it, you’ll do a lot of damage to both of you. Instead, stand aside and let it pass.

Anger is a completely normal part of human behavior and an extremely important pressure valve to release frustration. If your kid feels genuinely boxed-in, don’t feel they are being heard, frustrated and can’t figure a way out, then telling them to hush up is like putting a lid on top of a boiling pot and both of you will be worse off. Stand aside and let it pass. Just as important to let the anger express itself, having resolution at the end is essential. It helps them out of the anger cycle and teaches them to move through the emotion in a healthy way.

Anger is a completely normal part of human behavior and an extremely important pressure valve to release frustration. In most cases, a 6 year-old’s angry outbursts have more to do with helplessness than aggression. Standby and let them express it. Then listening to why they feel that way will legitimize their emotions. Recognizing their feelings is the quickest way of letting that angry burn itself out. Of course, this is all contextual. If your child flips-out because you wouldn’t let her get a chocolate bar at the check-out counter, then you’re not dealing with an anger issue. But if your kid feels genuinely boxed-in, don’t feel they are being heard, frustrated and can’t figure a way out, then telling them to hush up is like putting a lid on top of a boiling pot. Since you’ve done nothing to reduce that heat, the lid will eventually blow and both of you will be worse off. Remember, she’s still a child; tiredness or hunger are two ingredients that can easily amplify that frustration – and even worse when combined.

I remember one day, my daughter and I were on our way to pick up her grandma for a family dinner. When we got to grandma’s house, she called me inside to grab a few things. A few things eventually requiring multiple trips back and forth between the car and her kitchen and we were late as it were. My daughter sensed my frustration as I struggled to find space in the trunk so I put two bags of food where her feet dangled from the booster seat. She looked at me and blurted out, “Seriously?” I was at wit’s end and snapped, “Shut up!” We were both surprised at my response. The ensuing car ride was a quiet one. When we finally got to our destination, I said I was sorry and that I wasn’t upset with her. My daughter understood. But can you imagine if my daughter didn’t let my train wreck behavior run its course and started to tell me to calm down and relax?  Just as important to let the anger express itself, having resolution at the end is essential. This lets her know that she was neither responsible for triggering the anger nor do I harbor any lingering bitterness.

Recognize that when your child expresses anger, there usually is a buildup. If you’re too late to turn down the temperature, then it’s best not to contain it. Make sure you have resolution at the end. It helps them out of the anger cycle and teaches them to move through the emotion in a healthy way.