Yelling doesn’t work and here’s why
Frustrated at your daughter for doing something or for not doing something? Telling them the umpteenth time and you’re losing your patience? You blow your stack and yell at them. You feel good while you blow off your frustrations and then you feel rotten for doing it. Keep that up and eventually, even yelling’s sudden startle will wear off as they will tune out after the initial shock.
Yelling will never work, because it is a survival response; not a behavior modification technique. It only works during extreme times of stress (like anger and fear) and is isolated to that moment. “Get off the road, a car is coming!” or “Don’t touch that, it’s hot!” It’s a primordial response controlled by the hypothalamus to warn against danger and it works immediately with little lasting impact. It’s primordial, and that is why we do it. But words spoken under duress don’t always have positive implications. It also has little use in 21st century parenting. So why do we do it since we know it has so little effect on the long term? Because it is another primordial response: it relieves our own stress.
Yelling will never work, because it is a survival response; not a behavior modification technique. Communications is a two way street and if you have to yell at them to action, then half the problem is with you who didn’t convey clearly and specifically in the first place.
Want to really influence your daughter without yelling? Keep things simple: state what you want them to do and when you want them to do it. Don’t give them options and don’t add conditions. It only confuses them and it takes away from the focus and immediacy of the action. And mean it by following through.
- “Go upstairs and brush your teeth, now.” Not “Pick a book for bed, and go brush your teeth.” Their definition of spending 10 minutes picking a book is different from your definition of grabbing one at random on the way to the bathroom.
- “Grab your raincoat and backpack, now. The bus is coming.” Not “Grab your stuff and go outside because the bus will be here in 2 minutes.” They are thinking of too many things they want to grab and they don’t have the same concept of time the way you do. For them, if they miss a bus, another will come.
Making things simple for a child, like telling them to do [this] by [when] gives them specific instructions they can follow and complete. Do it in a very calm and neutral voice with eye contact, and your child will know that you are serious.
If you do wind up yelling, bring closure to that stressful or conflict situation. The heat of the moment may be gone in a short time, but it doesn’t mean the hurt and resentment will have evaporated. Leaving things unsaid would surely build a pile of emotional baggage. It also tells them that you’re a poor communicator. And eventually, they will just mirror you and yell back. Communications is a two way street and if you have to yell at them to action, then half the problem is with you who didn’t convey clearly and specifically in the first place. The reality is that they are more impacted by your disappointment than your yelling.