Tell her stories about your lives before you divorced

Not too long ago, I wrote an article about telling my daughter about my past. She asked me an out of the blue question and wanted to know if I had smoked before. I told her the truth and that started a series of conversations which continues to evolve today.

One day while we were waiting for someone, my daughter asked me how I had proposed to her mom. I did a double take and asked why she wanted to know. She just did and wanted ‘all the details’. I looked at my watch and knowing that we had a good 30 minutes to kill, I indulge her. I started with the ring. The adventures of finding the diamond and a jeweler who would help me with the design followed. I regaled my daughter with the plans I had to get her mom to ‘accidentally’ discover the engagement ring during an underwater diving trip. And then the plan was axed because she doesn’t dive and if she panicked, then I would panic and then we would lose the ring and it really would be an underwater salvage operation. I told my daughter in as much details as I remembered how I finally got on a bended knee and proposed on a foreign beach. Then we had roadside BBQ chicken. And I told her how her mom suddenly became left handed from that day onward. I told my daughter how her mom became more animated during conversations as she would gesticulate far more than usual – always with the left hand. We laughed and the 30 minutes seemed like three.

While divorce may avert the creation of more negative memories, it does nothing to wipe away all the good memories that precede it. Not telling your daughter of these good times that she was a part of merely denies her her heritage.

Girls’ minds are different than boys. They like stories, relationships, logic and associations. Telling her stories of you and her mom about a time prior to the divorce does something magical to your daughter’s state of mind.  After all, you are telling happy (and true) stories about the two main characters in her life. How can she not sit up and hang off of your every word? It makes her whole and lets her relive memories she was too young to remember or understand.

Telling her stories about your marriage before the divorce also affirms to her that you are comfortable about talking about your ex-wife and you harbor no ill will. This is important because while the divorce may be traumatic in that it tore the family apart, ongoing animosity between the parents will definitely corrode the relationships she has with both of you. She is not going to be as open or sharing knowing that one or both parents still hates the other and refuses to talk about it. These are adult problems; don’t make it your daughter’s.

When she hears stories about how happy you both once were, it gives your daughter peace that it wasn’t all bad all the time. She needs to know that she came into your lives when there was love and togetherness. Divorce doesn’t automatically mean that her parents hate each other; in fact, while divorce may avert the creation of more negative memories, it does nothing to wipe away all the good memories that precede it. Not telling your daughter of these good times that she was a part of merely denies her her heritage.

So open up, tell her stories and show her photographs. They are far better than fairy tales and she’ll never outgrow them.