What are you doing at school?” my daughter’s friends would ask. “Shouldn’t you be at home mourning?” referring to my daughter’s recently deceased grandfather. I’m okay, replied my daughter. Really, I’m fine. “Are you sure? You just had a death in your family! You should be away for a month!” She chuckled. It’s okay. She really wasn’t keen on having others influence her own feelings or behave in a way they expected her to. I’m good and everything’s fine. Her friends still cast a suspicious eye expecting my daughter to go into spontaneous breakdown.
My daughter has had many vicarious experiences with death and dying and her last brush with the topic was the very personal story of her grandfather’s choice for medically assisted, and legally permitted dying. The family had had a few years to prepare and with an incurable and deteriorating prognosis, the condition and time of his exit was well planned and orchestrated.
My daughter has had many opportunities to positively and meaningfully transition to a life without her maternal grandfather. The process of mourning for her, didn’t take place immediately after the death, as is typically expected and happens, but it had started whilst he was living and everyone including the dying was a part of that collective process. While the living will experience great sadness with the loss, what’s generally not focused is the reciprocity of that feeling for the departing one. The dying mourns too.
The process of mourning for my daughter, didn’t take place immediately after the death, but whilst her granddad was still living.
One of the biggest reasons mourning can drag into protracted periods is the suddenness of the death itself. In the case of accidents or lethal actions, the response is met with the immediacy of denial. It’s a visceral and natural response to refuse to accept reality. With little or no time to prepare, putting affairs in order is made a hurried and haphazard task. The anger erupts as the living are robbed not only of their loved one, but any opportunities to plan or reconcile is denied.
Even after acceptance of the facts, people still experience mourning when they deal with the affairs of the aftermath. There are disagreements in corporeal, spiritual and even financial matters that prevent the survivors from moving forward with consensus. This delays people in moving forward in a healthy, meaningful and conclusive way.
My daughter was very fortunate that as a young person, her experiences with her grandfather have always been one of being doted upon as the first grandchild. With little disagreement beyond beloved indulgence, my daughter had amble time to tells stories and share experiences. She was not pulled into business matters relating to estate and other boring adult topics and so she truly felt free and liberated.
My daughter said to me even before her gong-gong left, “He wanted to go. Said it was time.” To which I responded, You made his journey a joyful one. He left feeling loved by you. I also think he knows you’ll be just fine. He can rest.
For my daughter, she got a first-hand lesson that death is the renewal of life. She emerged from the experience with no lingering loss of happiness or regrets and was even propelled forward with the belief that living is way more than just surviving.
