Giving my daughter her first cell phone
Preparing my daughter for her Grade 5 school year at the age of 10 these days means more than sending her off with a warm lunch and a fully stocked pencil case. In a city of millions and a healthcare crisis that threatens to shut the world down again, her safety is even more central to me. It is unfortunate that her childhood is hastened simply because our world has become much more complicated. And while I give my daughter many opportunities to act and be a big kid including stayed at home by herself for brief periods, walked unaccompanied to a friend’s house and even ride her bike to meet a friend in the park, I never stop worrying when she’s not in sight. As I expand her independence even more by allowing her to take well-rehearsed routes from home to school and back via public transit, a cell phone becomes more of a necessity rather than an exulted toy. So I registered a new SIM card under my name and gave her a phone in preparation for the school year. Some of her friends already have phones and some do not, so she’s hardly the first and not the last. Her initial reaction was one of extreme excitement as she felt she’s reached a rite of passage. But that euphoria was short-lived. It was the exact reaction I had expected for two reasons.
First, this was not her first phone. I gave one of my old phones to her when she was 6 years-old to make home videos. For her, the novelty of having a mobile device wore off many years ago. Second, she’s had daily access to my phone whenever she called her mom or wanted to play a game so using a mobile device is also not new to her. Add to this, she knew that the reason she got that cell phone with a working phone number is for safety reasons. It therefore confirmed her understanding and acceptance of her readiness. It also demonstrated my utmost concern for her well-being. So from these points of view, she didn’t receive a toy; she received a symbol of trust—no different than receiving a house key. She also understood the responsibility of care since she knows what it felt like to spend her own money to repair the first phone she broke.
She knew that the reason she got a cell phone with a working phone number is for safety reasons. She has a personal responsibility for her own safety. It also demonstrated my utmost concern for her well-being. So from these points of view, she didn’t receive a toy; she received a symbol of trust—no different than receiving a house key.
But having said all of this, I didn’t give her the brand new phone that the number came with. I took the SIM card and inserted it into one of my older, yet still viable, phone that was just as functional for her purpose. It’s not necessary to give her a 10 year-old brand new $1000 phone. If she wanted that, it tells me she wants it for the wrong reasons. I know one of her classmates had his iPhone stolen within 2 weeks of it given by his mom. The mom was beyond pissed and the kid went without a phone for the entire time last year! That’s a harsh lesson especially if the phone is supposed to be a communication device. The device I gave my daughter is first and foremost a phone, and it also had a data plan for texting, checking weather and location. Games, YouTube and TikTok can be done from the home’s WiFi. She recognized the freedom and security of the device and it didn’t matter whether the phone had the latest number of letter. It was new enough. We also laid down some a usage policy which she agreed.
- No headphones or browsing during transit or walking in public. I want her to be fully aware of her surroundings at all times. I even told her to sit/stand near the bus driver and don’t go to the back. Look for security cameras and stay in view of them. The phone augments her safety; it doesn’t relinquish her responsibilities for it;
- Do not accept calls or reply to SMS from unknown numbers; she can give her number to close friends and/or their parents (if they don’t have cell phones). I would not call during school hours, but always pick up when dad or mom calls;
- Do not share pictures or selfies. Ever. I also disabled the geo-tagging function of the camera;
- No social media. Period. If group selfies are taken, daddy will send those pictures to the parents. My daughter does not communicate to her friends over emails and her email address is forwarded to mine for the time being;
- Do not solely rely on GPS and maps as they have been known to be wrong; she’s experienced first-hand with me that driving instructions led us to the wrong place. Once, I was in an Uber when the driver’s phone died and she didn’t know which direction to take. I even had to provide old school verbal directions for her to exit back to the main road after she’s dropped me off. Certainly I don’t want my daughter to be immobilized by her reliance on technology. She can’t be totally useless if the phone battery runs out.
- Dad owns the phone and dad has an absolute right to review the contents of the phone for malicious apps, cookies and downloads including YouTube histories.
She’s agreed to our use policy and then one night she asked, “Daddy, should I call you even if it is 3am in the morning?” To which I responded, ‘There’s no reason to call me as you wouldn’t be out at that time.’ I paused and continued, ‘But when you are older and you find yourself needing help at 3am in the morning, that’s when you would especially call me.’
It’s been a few weeks since her expanded independence and other than spending too much time watching videos, she’s not run afoul of our usage agreement. Now if only I can do something more about what she watches.
