The birds and the bees (Part 11): Parental intercourse (II)
It happened once. Maybe twice. After a night of partying and a one-night stand only to wake up realizing my then 6 year-old was getting dropped off early in the morning by the ex-wife. It was an absolute panic to get one person out one door and another through a second so worlds don’t collide. Years later, my daughter at 10 years-old, was dropped off after an early dinner. Except this time, she came into the house on her own and called out, “Daddy!” It was absolutely frantic as we had five seconds to get dress as I heard terrifying whispers for ‘Pants! Pants!” from the washroom in between little steps coming up the stairs. The flash of each passing second felt like a ghastly eternity. Incredibly, we emerged from different rooms and composed ourselves in front of my daughter, cool as cucumbers!
It’s been 8 years since my divorce and I never remarried. I have never been in a common law. And never had anyone stay overnight when my daughter is around. Notwithstanding brief periods with a few interesting people and one person of extreme interest, I am generally very happy. And because I’m very discrete about my personal matters, my daughter has never walked into my bedroom during uncompromising situations. But my buddies have had this happened to them. Some of their stories are hilarious and I thought I’d share three.
“I lost my contact lens and mommy was just helping me find it.” (In your crotch?) “Oh, we’re just wrestling, honey.” (On top of a three drawer dresser?) Or the best one, “We’re catching a spider that fell from the ceiling!” (Which you both had to disrobe to do!)
Whatever hilarious, lame and impromptu excuse, don’t react badly and yell at your child to get out. You’ll just make an awkward situation a memorable one.
Whatever hilarious, lame and impromptu excuse, don’t react badly and yell at your child to get out. You’ll just make an awkward situation a memorable one. Depending on your child’s age, they may not have any idea that you were playing hide the helmet. If they are a little older, they may even exercise a little discretion all on their own anyway. But it’s the period between age 6 and 10 that kids are most impressionable. Beyond your quick-thinking excuse, telling them calmly and politely that you’ll be with them in two minutes is more than sufficient. You were resting and just want to stretch and then go to the bathroom first. No different than telling them that you need an extra minute if they accidentally walked into an occupied bathroom.
When they notice that you act normally, they will act normally too and not think much about it. Besides, they are already aware that you two sleep in the same bed, watch TV in the same bed, and sometimes, she gets to join in and read in the same bed. So, stretching, yawning and lazing over to grab a robe is all very normal.
But truth be told, find a time when you’re both alone to take a trip to pound town. Knocking boots doesn’t need to be a screamfest which you can save for movie night. And for heaven’s sake, close and lock the bedroom while you check the oil.
