Understand why you are nagging at her
Even with a task list on our fridge door, it is no guarantee that all or any of those day-to-day tasks will get done by my daughter — or me. We use it as a guide to itemize responsibilities but in practical terms, the list was an exercise for us to keep organized and to lay a foundation for something else: life happens and things don’t always stay on schedule. If none of the items on the list are done by a particular time, it’s generally not the end of the world. Even if meals aren’t cooked, I can order in. If the house isn’t tidy, we just have to put up with the mess. Your adherence and tolerance for deviation from the task list, is totally within your control. How comfortable you are about deviating from the plan and losing that control really is the origin of nagging itself.
So, what’s the issue? Why are you nagging at her? How did her being forgetful suddenly become personal to you? If her not setting the table for a meal inflames you, the real question you need to ask yourself is why it bothers you so much? Your child certainly isn’t malicious, so is this a battle of chores or of wits?
At my work, I am constantly bombarded with new issues and new requests. Given a finite amount of time and fixed resources, something has to get dropped since working 24 hours day is not possible. Same approach should apply at home. Things happen and you don’t have the time to do all the things you need to do. If you are stuck in traffic for an extra half hour, then your evening will be thrown out of whack. Focus on the main items! You can’t do everything all the time and so don’t expect your child to either.
If her not setting the table for a meal inflames you, the real question you need to ask yourself is why it bothers you so much? Is this a battle of chores or of wits? Do you do the same at work? Letting your daughter feel the consequences of her own inaction is the quickest way to motivate her to action.
So what’s the consequence? At work, if I drop the ball, I won’t be prepared or make the group deadline and that is deterrent enough. If your co-worker isn’t pulling their weight, do you nag at them? You help them as much as possible but ultimately, their fate is their own choosing. Your daughter has to feel the same kind of effect proportional to her experience. If my daughter doesn’t do her school work or skips her cello practice, she won’t be prepared and can suffer direct consequences from the teacher. Letting your daughter feel the struggles and discomfort of her own inaction is the quickest way to motivate her to action.
I used to ask my daughter repeatedly to fold laundry with me and it was a thankless task. I would ask and nag and I would be the one to do it myself in the end. So I decided to do laundry only on the days she’s with me. When the dryer is done, I would empty the load onto her bed. If the bed is not made, it would be dumped on top of an unmade bed. She also realizes that if the laundry isn’t folded, she won’t have a place to sleep. We make a point of folding the laundry together, so this chore is something that has immediate benefit for both of us and guarantees that the laundry will be folded before the night.
One night, I was busy making (late) dinner and my daughter asked me to come upstairs to help her with the laundry. I was very surprised that she had started without me. When I had a moment from the hot stove, I proceeded upstairs. The real surprise was yet to come. She had folded and put all our clothes away in the respective drawers! I didn’t ask a single time, much less nag at her to do this. What a complete delight. Mind you, this happened only once, and I hope before she’s 16, she’ll do it again! But this is proof that relaxing my control and making sure my daughter has a stake in the outcome is far better than the alternative.