The widespread problem of popularity
One of the good things about not having any electronics at the dinner table is that my daughter and I have actual conversations during our 45 minute dinner. We never struggle to find things to talk about and it’s a great opportunity for me to learn about what is going on in her life. One day, we were talking about a group of girls in her class who have formed a clique and the dynamics of girls of three. And out of the mouths of babes, she utters, “It’s what happens when you’re popular!” I wasn’t sure whom was she referring. And I wasn’t sure what the social hierarchy was within and between multiple cliques. To me, it didn’t matter whether she was the epicentre or the periphery of populism; both situations are cause for concerns. And here’s why.
My child is smart, well balanced, social and personable. She’s also had a brush with a bully and got some firsthand experience in dealing with that. Since she came out of it relatively unscathed, I think she’s more confident about herself. And I think this self-confidence acts like a magnet to peers. Many of her girlfriends from class are asking for playdates with her and I often get calls from moms and dads asking for my daughter to come over. I’m happy she’s socially connected, but what I get concerned about is what happens if my daughter doesn’t get these invitations anymore. Will her ego which is used to being boosted up by peers begin to deflate?
In another situation, a friend of hers has been asking for a playdate all week and when the weekend finally came, she canceled. The reason for canceling wasn’t even a legitimate one: another girl had come over for a sleepover and the friend traded up and canceled on my daughter. The worst part was, my daughter knows this other kid too! It was an awful experience for my daughter being dumped like this and while she’s fully recovered from the experience, her friend won’t (it wasn’t her first time changing plans last minute).
If popularity is widespread, then let’s teach our daughters to accept themselves as who they are, and let that be the attraction. It is far better that your daughter’s popularity be a consequence of what she does, not the goal of who she is.
Being popular has the effect of being both attractive and painful. Attractive in that one is literally surrounded by a circle of friends. Hurtful in that the exposure is very real when that same circle of friends that buttress the ego begins to crumble. It is equally hurtful for those seeking the audience of the few or the one while subjugating their own self-worth for a fleeting moment’s attention. While being cool is quite understandable, it’s not really sustainable. The human desire to belong is undeniable but staying in a clique requires one to act in ways they wouldn’t normally do if they didn’t have an audience. To stand out, some kids act older, speak with grown up words, exhibit mature behaviour including defiance against adults and generally distorting their own natural behaviour. Some researcher calls this ‘pseudomature behaviors’.
Ironically, I find parents unintentionally push their kids into these situations by becoming overinvolved in their children’s social lives. As parents, I get it. We never want our children to be loners and we fear they will go to a dark space if they aren’t surrounded by social stimulation, but too much of a good thing loses its lustre. The struggle we have as parents is to make sure that our children are socialized adequately, but not to fill their days with back to back activities and ignoring the child’s need for some space and time to discover who they are. Falling out of this balance will cause them a lot of stress and will push them into the very situation we are talking about.
Every situation is different and there’s no right answer. But if popularity is widespread, then let’s teach our daughters to accept themselves as who they are, and let that be the attraction. It is far better that your daughter’s popularity be a consequence of what she does, not the goal of who she is.