Confidence in girls looks very differently than in boys
Typically, we see boys express their confidence in physical ways. They do things to show strength. They talk loudly and strongly to direct action from others. Boys generally articulate their conviction in ways that can be seen and heard; it is demonstrative and easily recognized by the world. Girls however, operate differently. Very differently. For them, demonstrating confidence is less about brawn. It’s more about things unseen and unheard. It’s about association and persuasion. And it’s all mental. That’s why pushing your daughter to be more vocal and active may not always be the right way to build her confidence.
Girls have a head start compared to boys when it comes to early childhood development. Girls’ advance cognitive abilities compared to boys of the same age are well documented in all the journals. Girls just mature faster. Boys will eventually catch up, but during the years boys spend catching up, there are huge opportunities for girls to make significant strides. Don’t squander this opportunity by ‘dumbing down’ to your daughter’s peer group or push her into things because you think it is good for her. In the proverbial race of tortoise and the hare, don’t let your daughter rest of her mental laurels and be unchallenged. Languishing in this state will really set her back in the future in what is still considered a man’s world. Expose her to a world of possibilities and let her inner confidence be expressed in self-identified interests. There are ways you can readily help her.
Confidence building isn’t about seeking the compliance of others by being loud and directive. It’s also not about seeking the validation from others. In fact, it is the very opposite of these. One must be very confident when swaggering alone and even more so when the support of others give way to detractors.
Expose her to risk. I’ve written about this before in an article entitled, Fish do not swim in distilled waters. Encouraging you child to step out of their safety zone (rather than you pushing them into something new) is healthy. It signals that you trust them and that they are growing up to take on new things. But let her pull the world toward her, rather than push her into it. With girls’ already advanced language skills, they can easily build relationships and form alliance to develop social contracts. Let it happen organically. These are the opportunities that will help her build confidence.
Let failure happen. I’ve also written about this before, stating that failure will ensure her success. Make sure that you are her safety net when she fails. Nobody does anything perfectly the first time. It is through repeated attempts and perseverance that will eventually bring success (whatever that may look like to her). She will fail, but if your safety net is a bed of discouragement and I-told-you-so’s, her confidence will forever be impaled by your criticism.
Look for role models. Women have struggled throughout our times. In some societies, they have to fight to be considered a ‘person’; fight to vote; fight to work; fight for equal pay; fight to be free from harassment; fight for general equality. It still happens today in this man’s world. Nevertheless, significant strides have been made in many parts of the world. Help her identify and see role models and heroines. Let her be inspired by the actions of historical and contemporary women so she can stand on their shoulders. Why reinvent the wheel and retrace ground that has already been gained?
Ultimately developing confidence is a very personal and very inconspicuous undertaking. It varies as each girl is different. And it takes the time each girl decides. Think of it as you being a passenger in her car: you can suggest and coach, but you have no ability to steer or throttle. Confidence building isn’t about seeking the compliance of others by being loud and directive. It’s also not about seeking the validation from others. In fact, it is the very opposite of these. One must be very confident when swaggering alone and even more so when the support of others give way to detractors.