I had a series of important in-person meetings at work downtown and I dressed up in a stylish suit, wore a three-quarter length coat, complete with leather shoes and matching belt. I had a laptop in one hand and my cell phone in the other as I maneuvered my way through the mean streets and tall buildings. My hard bottom soles made the characteristic footfall noise and because I’m a fast walker, people can hear me coming from a mile away.

It felt good to take those shoes off at the end of the day and I told my daughter at home that people on the street and in other public areas were staring at me but I didn’t initiate nor maintain eye contact. I thought I had salad in my teeth all day. “No dad, you’re intimating! Especially, when you dress up so business like, and you walk fast and talk even faster. People who know you like you because you don’t put up with bullshit. People who don’t know you are scared of you. Especially when you have your bitch face on.” My what?

I’ve been told that I can be unapproachable and that even some of my daughter’s friends feared coming over. The boys in my daughter’s circle are reluctant to be near me when I drop off my daughter or attend any school functions. Apparently, I cast off a don’t-mess-with-me face and project a shield that repels meaningless conversation as I cuss out even patron saints for taking too long to speak. Really? Most of the time, I just keep to myself and don’t get involved in other people’s business. I thought further. I do ‘live and let live’ and aren’t very interested in what other people are doing unless they do it near me. Then I finally admit that I have a short fuse.  I can go from DEFCON 5 to nuclear war and skip the intermediary stages.

 

During the pandemic, all my work, collaboration, directing, redirecting and cussing out those who still need more directing was done in full ear shot of my daughter who was only one room away. Then I finally admit that I have a short fuse.  I can go from DEFCON 5 to nuclear war and skip the intermediary stages.

 

I realize that I have to be more careful in how I interact with my daughter and when she sees me blow my stack on other people. During the pandemic, all my work, collaboration, directing, redirecting and cussing out those who still need more directing was done in full ear shot of my daughter who was only one room away. She even told me that she had to close her door once because she felt badly for the person being dressed down. I don’t recall anything other than merely being factual as I gave the person feedback.

I guess I’m impatient and sometimes, I don’t understand why people don’t understand something I believe to be small. At work, if there are delays, it can cost time and money. If my ex-wife becomes unreasonable as part of her unavoidable personality, it has a ripple effect which amplifies back doubly strong when it hits my shield. And if someone steps in front of traffic or make unexpected turns in a car, I lay on the horn until their actions are corrected. Safety is paramount and I don’t want my horn to be mistaken for taxi drivers tooting away hustling for fares. I simply act proportionally. My bitch face (if I had one) and my bitch actions (if they are construed as) are more justified than my daughter’s (who admits that she has them). But I feel hers is not justified as she doesn’t face the torrential downpour of cow dung that sometimes happens to me.

Even still, I realize more and more that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and not only for my own sake, but for the sake of my daughter and her friends that she shouldn’t come across as a ballbuster. Even an emotionless face can be construed as judgy and pretentious. So, I will try to be more conscious about casting off a WTF look. Often, there’s no other contemplation than being perplexed. But for those who don’t know me and I must admit that I keep a tight circle, my emotionless face comes off as general loathing for the great unwashed. Or it may appear that I’m just constipated. Either reason could explain why I have few friends. I’ll try harder. Oh well, move along, nothing to see here.