I don’t dislike him,” was my instant response. “Why? Did he ask or are you worried?” No, he didn’t ask, but you don’t talk about him much. “That’s because he is a person in your world and my involvement at this time really is to ensure that you are treated well and you enjoy your time with him.” But do you like him?

“He’s okay. I really have no opinion. Really. He’s nice enough and you guys talk and get along. Your academics are not jeopardized because of him; you don’t skip your extracurricular activities; you have your part time job and we have family time. We’re good.” But do you like him?

I paused and realized my daughter was looking for a different answer. Like she’s looking for a second opinion.

I sighed and confessed, “Look, I’m your dad. I have a much higher bar than anyone else when it comes to you. You’re my little girl and will always be. Nobody’s ever going to take care of you the way I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you need someone to take care of you. You’ll do fine on your own; I made sure of that. But…” But what?

“Do you remember I once told you that as you get older, you’ll be the driver and I’ll eventually take the backseat?” Vaguely, yes. “Well, think of yourself driving a big bus and people get on and off as you drive. You’ll pick up different people on this bus of yours. And equally, people will get off your bus at certain destinations….” What does that have to do with my boyfriend?

My opinion is only secondary and I’ve been given no reason to intervene.

“It’s entirely likely that he won’t be on the whole ride with you.” Oh, so you think we’ll break up. “No. You decide that, not me. But I wouldn’t be surprised and that’s why I don’t invest too much energy in your boyfriend.” So, you don’t think we’ll last.

“I think it’s quite remarkable that he’s kept your attention for as long as he has. You’re a smart kid and you expect a lot from friends both intellectually and emotionally. It’s a testament to him that he’s still captured your interest a year later.”

Silence befell us as she absorbed what I just said. “I would never say nobody is ever going to be good enough for my little girl because I know you’ll meet someone who loves you in a way I cannot—as an equal. As you get older, your likes and dislikes change. Your thinking will change. Your entire…nature…can change. So, I’m not really vested in your interest in one boy at your age. You don’t know what you don’t know and it’s entirely likely you haven’t even met your best friend yet.”

More silence as she contemplated. “Besides, I’m your dad so I can’t say I’m happy with him because you’ll think that is the watermark to achieve.” What standard should I use? “Live a few more years and then determine what that standard should be and what works for you.” Hmm, I was looking for a yes or no answer.

I’m neutral about it and will observe from a comfortable distance. The boyfriend has come over for dinner and hung out here at the house numerous times. I’ve even taken them out for dinner. I only care that daughter is exploring aspects of relationships in positive ways. My opinion is only secondary and I’ve been given no reason to intervene.

I know that deep down, my daughter was looking for a ‘yes’ and that endorsement is a comfort blanket to her. But the absence of this validation is not critique—nor is it affirmation. What it does confirm is that I’m her safety net as she ventures into adulthood. So, the absence of my answer puts the choice right back in front on her.