When Father’s Day wasn’t
Saturday night, just before last year’s Father’s Day, I got a call from my daughter while she was at her mom’s. She was tentative in her voice and didn’t look into the camera during our video chat. She said, she won’t be able to come see me because her mom made plans on Sunday. I think she was expecting me to be angry but I wasn’t. I was sad. I was fully aware of my daughter’s conflicted position her mom purposely placed her. And not that I give much thought about my ex’s emotions, what I felt for her wasn’t anger or sadness. It was pity.
I reached out to my usual dad social group and posted a message asking quite simply if they were spending Father’s Day without their children. And remarkably, quite a few dads are denied access. Situations are different, geography is different but the reasons are almost always the same: it’s the ex’s unresolved contempt for the ex-husband expressed by exerting pressure through the child. In my case, the ex’s reason was that she was going to visit her father, my ex-father-in-law and her new boyfriend’s father and so she’s fulfilling Father’s Day. I guess Father’s Day can be turned into Grandfather’s Day or Step-father’s Day, or even Step-father’s Father’s Day. My ex didn’t see a problem since I would see our daughter the next day anyway.
My ex and I have a number of court orders at my initiation to enforce certain parental behavior and access so holidays are shared and the respective parent day is observed. It’s sad that a person’s behavior needs to be codified in law for something they should know to do on their own. The ex’s contempt not just for me, but the court, is not only poor judgement, but speaks volumes of her frustrated redress.
I told my daughter to have fun in everything she does and everywhere she goes. It’s Father’s Day everyday she’s with me, so if her mom so desperately wanted to take this day, let her. It takes nothing away from us.
My daughter’s conflicted position was far more delicate and needed to be dealt with. She was near tears and distraught at being placed in this position where she had no choice. I assured her that if things could be decided by her, she’d decide otherwise. But since the choice was taken away by her mom and she was not able to opt out and forego visitation to the grandparents, she felt relieved when I told her that this was not her doing, much less her fault. It wasn’t for her to fight for me; this isn’t her fight. Her emotions were immediately replaced with one of antipathy. I am certain that the mom scored no points by doing what she did. I told my daughter on the phone to have fun in everything she does and everywhere she goes. It’s Father’s Day everyday she’s with me, so if her mom so desperately wants to take this day, let her have it. It takes nothing away from us.
As for me, I took an extra day of quiet reading, movie watching, working out and surfing the web. Although I hadn’t planned on being without my daughter on that day, it wasn’t wasted. I wasn’t upset nor did I feel alone. In fact, I felt physically recharged not just because I had a quiet day, but mentally at ease as my ex’s action is a statement more about her than me. I am almost certain she thought more about our daughter’s unhappiness than I did. Clearly, the times I have with our daughter are seen as competing lifestyle which threatened her. When a mother goes out of her way to demonstrate control at the expense of her own daughter’s happiness, what winds up being demonstrated is the lack thereof.
If you find yourself in this situation this Father’s Day, believe in the fact that your ex’s defiance is an ongoing confirmation that despite all of it, you live a life that’s enviable. Your ex’s continued opposition is authentic. And that was the best Father’s Day present any ex can give. So, keep it up!
