Slow down. Do one thing at a time

Do you remember the first time you learned to drive a standard transmission car? I do. I was almost 16 when my brother took me to a nearby parking lot. It was exhilarating and terrifying.

“That’s the clutch.”
“Don’t shift before you press the clutch.”
“Don’t gas when you are pressing the clutch.”
“Don’t clutch when you are braking.”
“But clutch before you finish braking.”
“WTF!?!?”

As a new driver, it was a lot to hold in my head. Good habits like checking mirrors and blind spots were an additional requirement that ignoring, could lead to catastrophic consequences. Throw all this into the mix and you’ll see even the bravest, most confident kid fall to pieces.  In many ways, your child is going through the same learning process, but for life in general.  In psychology, there is a learning model that uses four stages to describe how a person progresses at learning a new skill:

Unconscious incompetence is a stage I discovered when I said I want to learn to drive. I had a goal, but no appreciation of how to get there. Simply put, this is the state where, I don’t even know what I don’t know. It’s nirvana; endless childhood and blissful ignorance at its best. I missed this.

Conscious incompetence is a stage I spent a lot of time discovering the clutch. Arguably, I still spend a lot of time here because I know there is a shitload of shit I know shit about. There are rules and structures. I had to do things that way, not my way. My daughter’s graduation from Velcro straps to shoelaces progressed through this stage.

Remember the first time you sat at the intersection waiting for an advance green light to turn left? And your left leg hung nervously over the clutch? Your growing child now lives in this stage. They can do all the things they are expected to do, but if you stress them out, they will forget it all. So, give your kid a break. She is generally living in that state all the time.

Conscious competence is a stage where I can operate the car repeatedly without subjecting my brother to whiplashes due to sudden stalls. Even though I can mechanically operate the clutch and negotiate the car with relative efficiency, it’s entirely different when I leave the parking lot. Remember the first time you sat at the intersection waiting for an advance green light to turn left? And your left leg hung nervously over the clutch? Your growing daughter now lives in this stage. She can do all the things she is expected to do, but if you stress her out, she will forget it all. If you child learns a musical instrument, then you will see this stage unfold in slow motion over many years to come.

It’s not until you have much practice that unconscious competence becomes second nature. If you still drive stick, you don’t even think about it anymore. All four limbs operate in unison as you sail effortlessly through traffic, adjusting the radio dials and talking on speakerphone and even grabbing your coffee from the drink holder.  Your child will have a fantastic journey before anything becomes second nature to them.

So, give your kid a break. The next time you rush them, ask yourself if you are expecting second nature while they are barely conscious of their own competency. In isolation, they know all they are supposed to know and they don’t need you to remind them – and they will tell you so. But if you stress them out, they will forget everything.  That advance green light I mentioned earlier? Your child is generally living in that state all the time.