I look at the relationship I have with my daughter and compare it with that of her mom’s and it isn’t just as different as day and night; the landscape is as different as Mars and Venus. I wonder whether I may have contributed to this contrast. I also see my male friends’ daughters whose relationships tend to be less rocky as compared to their moms. Why, I wondered. While psychology was not my major and my opinions are simply that, I think the volatility may boil down to three things.
Identity. The personality of an individual is anchored in gender, culture, class, beliefs, values and more. We all want to believe we made good choices and became stable individuals firm in our own beliefs. As a woman gestates a child, she will imbue as much of that she deems good and familiar in utero. And this doesn’t stop after birth as the psychological bond is even more persistent than the umbilical one. As a child grows, their decisions take them on journeys that are natural departures from the mother’s baseline and this deviated outgrowth could be interpreted as rejection of the mother’s sense of self. Fatherhood, on the other hand, only begins once his child is born. He’s never known any other bond to exist prior to this and so, right from the start, he accepts the child to be separate from him. This is even more evident if the gender of the child is a girl; other than sharing half of his gene, there simply was no other commonality up to that point!
And I must believe that it will all work out in the end. And to borrow a phrase, if it doesn’t, it’s not the end.
Power. With little exception to the domestic construct of a home, most women rule the roost. As natural caregivers to babies and children, their dominion over the homestead has traditionally and universally been recognized and typically unchallenged. Men on the other hand, already expect little or no decision making in this domain and as a result, channel their power to the struggles of the outside world, while preserving peace at home. For men, this is not an abdication of authority, but a recognition that decisions should be made by those who deal primarily with the matter. In fact, men typically empower their daughters to make choices not because he can’t, but because she should.
Choice. Men have historically had unchallenged paths in making decisions about their work, their hobbies, their friends, their time and their money. As the external-facing party of a traditional marriage, the man is often discharged from the mundane but necessary responsibilities of family. The man has historically gone out to earn an income so the family can live a quality of life—it is an end to itself. But for women, it is a means to an end. Generations of women have had fewer choices than their male counterparts and when daughters see this dichotomy, their choice is naturally more aligned to their father’s autonomy even without any encouragement on his part.
When my daughter has disagreements with her mom, I am embarrassed to find that I am often a catalyst for it, either directly or indirectly. Dad does this. Dad does that. Dad doesn’t do whatever this is! My actions often color the context of the other side. While I am flattered by the influence I may have on my daughter in absentia, I am also alarmed that I am used as a comparative. I parent the way that is age-appropriate for me and my daughter and no one else. And I will continue to empower my daughter so she can make good choices to build her strong identity. It’s not a huge departure to see why my daughter has much more friction on the other side. Add to it the general uncooperativeness of her parents and each’s different coping mechanism to de-stress, it is apparent to me why my daughter’s relationship with her mom is so volatile. I hope for everyone involved that the struggle makes them stronger. And I must believe that it will all work out in the end. And to borrow a phrase, if it doesn’t, it’s not the end.
