The 3 things I say to my daughter I often don’t hear from other parents

The one best advice I had ever received from other parents when my daughter was born was make up your own rules about parenting. While countless parents are more than eager to share what you should and shouldn’t do, I find the best choice still has to be a decision I make that is sustainable for both me and my daughter.

Since my divorce, I have been fortunate enough not to argue about parenting approaches and generally able to parent in a consistent way without being contradicted or undermined. Without inconsistent parenting approaches, I find there are fewer conflicts. It’s not to say that I dictate everything and I operate from whim; but I have reasons for doing and saying the things I do and say.

If you are uncomfortable looking at your child in the eye and convincing her that you are the boss, you’ll need practice. Otherwise good luck when this 7-year old turns 12. And by the time she turns 17, you’re done.

I say no — a lot. Parenting isn’t a democracy. It is not even a consensus gathering exercise. At this age, it’s about me as the parent looking after the well-being of my child so that she is fed, clothed, housed, healthy, safe, loved, educated and socially balanced. Out of any of these, which are negotiable? Zero! And no means no; it doesn’t mean maybe and there’s no attempt to veil it with something that sounds prettier than a no. It is an authoritative declaration akin to Gandalf’s “You shall not pass.” Because you want this word to have powerful consequences, it should be used for the right reasons. If the no is used to enforce any of the above mentioned non-negotiable’s, then mean it. What a child knows when they hear a no is that there are boundaries and expectations in place for them. They won’t understand all of it now, but that changes nothing. If you are uncomfortable looking at your child in the eye and convincing her that you are the boss, you’ll need practice. Otherwise good luck when this 7-year old turns 12. And by the time she turns 17, you’re done.

It’s not about you. When your kid calls, do you drop everything and tend to them? I remember when my daughter was just learning to walk and on one occasion, she stumbled and fell in public. I was literally 10 steps back and I continued my stride at the same pace hoping that she would make her own efforts to right herself. I could still feel the judgmental eyes pronouncing me as a non-caring father who didn’t rush to my daughter’s rescue. She learned to walk by 11 months. In fact, she’s learned to do a lot of things because I don’t immediately drop everything to rescue her — needs foster ingenuity. If I rushed in every time to help her, I would be robbing her priceless opportunities for her to build self-confidence. They want help? Encourage them to figure it out. Wait before asking. Then take a number. My daughter needs to learn that those who come to her aid must be respected and they do not do so at her summoning. Narcissism is tiring for all but the narcissist.

Life’s not fair. While I will protect my daughter at all cost, I will not fight all her battles. She came home telling me of a bully problem. I helped her put into practice all I’ve taught through her young life and she wound up working through the problem herself and felt empowered doing it! Solving their problem is a one hit wonder; they have to be taught how to solve, so they have a chance at dealing with the many permutations of problems. Telling them that everyone will take turns and play nicely is a fallacy. Unfortunately, kids will butt in line and shove; they will even hit. If she grows up thinking that the world is a fairyland with pixie dust and everyone simply gets along, she will be taken advantage of. While mommy and daddy will do everything to ensure she is equipped to play fairly, our world sadly does not always work that way. She needs to have different strategies. So don’t lie to her and say daddy will make everything fine. She really will believe that and one day she’ll be disappointed that you cannot. Prolong childhood for as long as you can, but periodically, give her glimpse of reality outside your protective walls.

I encourage my daughter as much as I discourage her; it’s contextual. There’s a fine line between respect and disrespect. Happy children push boundaries. You don’t want a docile and timid child fearful of questioning authority. On the other hand, you don’t want ego-centric behavior to go uncheck and unguided. You’re doing them no favors when you let your child live like an emperor or empress.