Explaining death (Part 3): The media

Sorry, honey. Your hamster got mauled by a cat or raccoon last night. He probably died an awful death. Go inside so I can hose the blood and entrails off the patio furniture.” This was not something I had said to my daughter when her first hamster went missing three years ago, especially following the other two conversations we previously had about death and dying. But in reality, that was what had happened to her first hamster, named Fuzzy. We left the cage out on a nice summer night but didn’t think to put a brick on top of it. It was knocked over and I discovered in the morning the hamster was gone except for a few gory telltale signs. I lied and told her the wind blew the cage over and he must have run away into the park and burrowed underneath the shrubs. What was I going to tell a 5 year old?

Her second hamster, Fuzzy II, was returned to the store after 5 days as it never really acclimated to our house. It was feisty and didn’t want to be handled. I didn’t want it to bite my daughter so it was exchanged for Fuzzy III. It lived a great life under my daughter’s care before succumbing to old age. We had a proper end of life celebration and buried it out back under flowers pots. After a few months, she decided she wanted another hamster which she called Fuzzy IV. She asked me if I thought the first hamster was still alive. I’ve always told her that if she can ask an honest question, then she deserves an honest, age-appropriate answer. I told her what really happened, three years later. She was sad. Then she said, Daddy, you lied to me. I replied, “Do you think you would have been okay with seeing Fuzzy’s guts all over the place? Would that not have been traumatic?” Probably. She’s older now and has experienced the death of neighbor and a great uncle in the family. And having seen many documentaries on animal life cycles, the truth wasn’t entirely upsetting. But she is now suspicious of city wildlife.

At her age, omit the gory details containing extreme violence. Illustrations of a gunman moving through a school or a person wielding a knife slashing people indiscriminately are simply gratuitous. Extreme human violence like rape and torture are also excessive details and for this age, a simple explanation of assault should cover most transgressions.

Explaining death in the context of nature is easy for children to understand. Explaining death in the context of loved ones who died because they were old or sick is more difficult. Explaining death of a loved one who has died by crime will never be easy. But when supported by family and friends who celebrate the life lived, the transition is made less painful. We do not purposely seek to speak of death as a topic of academic interest; it is exposed to us and then we deal with it in an appropriate way. However, increasingly, the topics of violence, crime and war are at the forefront of news, media and even school yard conversations. My daughter tells me that her school practices lock downs in the same way they have fire drills. Times sure have changed since I was in school.

At her age of eight, I don’t try to sugarcoat many things; she’s too smart. But I will omit the gory details containing extreme violence. It’s critical that as honest as we can be to children about this topic, we needn’t add unnecessary details that would frighten them furthermore. Illustrations of a gunman moving through a school or a person wielding a knife slashing people indiscriminately are simply gratuitous. Extreme human violence like rape and torture are also excessive details and for this age, a simple explanation of assault should cover most transgressions. We also discuss sensationalism in the media. Just like movies, if things are loud and explosive, it grabs attention. News can be distorted and dramatized hinting that the higher the death count, the more serious – as if one death isn’t serious enough. It’s important to scrub the topic and think critically about a tragedy especially when it happens elsewhere and to other people.

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the Swiss-American psychiatrist who pioneered the seminal work On Death and Dying where she discussed the five stages of grief explains in great detail the natural path to dealing and healing from death for the survivors. People move through stages of grieve and children require more help to do so. It takes a strong person to help themselves and a child through the process.  My daughter is very lucky in that her only experiences with death are with pets, neighbors and an older family member. But, however tragic and however painful it is to mourn the loss of loved ones, remember that after the funeral is done, the aftermath is to focus on the living and to deal with the pain and the loss in an open and honest way.