I would never say my daughter is a bully. In fact, she the very opposite of that. From her school report cards, and witnessing her interactions with peers, I observe her to be conscientious, cooperative and even a tad empathetic. But, she does have a mean streak. She’s impatient when people are indecisive. She hates it when they are easily swayed or impressed with the next shiny object. And she’s especially short when they just don’t know the things she expects them to. I think the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree because those are my traits. I think I need to work on own my humanity, too!

So what’s the traditional definition of a mean girl? Probably one that’s cliquey, appearance-focused, status-conscious, borderline control freak and is a conspicuous consumer of boujee things. Hm. Tell me which 12 year-old going on 16 isn’t any of those characteristics to some degree. But the one thing that my daughter is not is malicious. She’s cunning, but not underhanded. She’s persuasive, but not manipulative. And she’s determined, but not unremittent. All of those mean girls qualities to some degree are useful for a person at discerning merit from bullshit. So I would not actively interfere, filter or down select to only Mary Poppins personality types. What purpose will it serve to declaw my child?

So I decided to look at how my daughter became who she is by looking at her environment and her upbringing. First and foremost, she’s a girl and because of that, I raise her differently—because the world will treat her differently. She is also a child of divorce, and has learned to operate in two modes—one with daddy and the other with mommy to ensure happiness. As an only-child, not only does she not have to share anything, she gets two of everything! As a survival mechanism, she’s gotten very good at overcoming all the snares of two household life.

 

She also has a social responsibility to help others along the way so those who do need a bit of help aren’t left far behind. I have no doubt she will get there.

 

So how do I help my daughter walk the fine line to becoming a mature and thoughtful woman from either being a wallflower or a ballbuster? I help by encouraging her to explore all her emotional possibilities. Every single feeling has its purpose and expression and all are her truths.

I don’t ever want to declaw my daughter by disallowing her to be mean. Sometimes she needs to be just that. But the differentiator is firstly not to be mean to a person arbitrarily, but what that person did specifically to solicit such a response.  And secondly, to face these individuals assertively or compassionately depending on the situation. She must distinguish the extremes and be comfortable traversing within that spectrum.

She’s lived with me all her life to know that the one thing she can expect to get from me 100% of the time is age-appropriate opportunities and choices. We’re fortunate enough that she’s never slept rough or gone a single day without food. I wouldn’t say she’s privileged, but she is without hardship. And she knows that. But that just means she got a head start and without hard work, it will still get her nowhere. She also has a social responsibility to help others along the way so those who do need a bit of help aren’t left far behind. I have no doubt she will get there. Now I just need to catch up. That’s how we will both embrace our humanity.