Unless you are a cuckoo bird and lay eggs in another species’ nest, modern, single parenting can be a laborious, solitary task. I had a dad tell me that he feels like he hadn’t accomplished much in the past decade. I assured him he was wrong. He was a parent for all that time and that’s arguably the toughest job in the world! There’s no sick leave, no vacation, pays next to nothing and a detriment to health. “Look at your dad bod!” I joked. We laughed!
Juggling so many things on the go, it’s easy sometimes when we balance our own work/life demands with theirs, that things slide. We defer it to later or sometimes even forget altogether. Depending on what we voluntarily or involuntarily omit, our inactions can imprint on children in negative ways. Here are three specifically.
Allowing others to discipline your child. When other kids are being an absolute terror on two legs, I try my best not to tell the kid (or her parents) she’s a monster. In fact, sometimes, deliberate silence will speak far greater volume than any words. And at the end of the day, even dealing with their appalling parents is far too much hassle and not worth the oxygen. But tables should be turned if someone tries that on your daughter. And the immediate thing to do is put a stop to. This is especially true when family members feel they are eligible to do your job. Your daughter would know you’ve completely lost control when they see someone else take on your parental role while you remain inaudibly motionless. As much as she’s a naughty one, she’s your naughty one and receiving discipline externally changes the parent-child dyad. At worst, she won’t respect you because she will feel you didn’t teach her any better and you just stood by while she got rebuked by another.
Not only do we struggle and wind up doing the wrong things for the right reasons, but we secretly fear doing the right things for the wrong reasons. Passivity complicates all of this even more and we must assert and always try to do the good things for good reasons.
Not having the sex talk with your child. For many parents, this is a tough discussion and as a child approaches the teenage years, the window to have this conversation is closing. This isn’t to say that she won’t learn about penetrative sex—she will. But she will learn it through peers in the school yard or the internet. Not ideal, and you would have lost the narrative. It’s not the end of the world and I don’t ever recall my parents having this talk with me. (I still can’t believe that my parents ever did what they did to make me!) But these are different times, and it is far better to get ahead of it so you become her source of truth about these matters. This is so important as sex talk isn’t a one and done topic; it builds upon fundamentals and branches into other domains like politics, orientation, assault and especially media and pornography.
Assuming she doesn’t want to spend time talking to you. Already my daughter doesn’t want me to walk her to school. She wants you to disappear when her friends show up. And you may even be able to hear her eyeballs rolls at some of the things you say. But the reality is that she adores you. Her independence notwithstanding does not make her independent and just because she needs you less, doesn’t mean she won’t need you at all—especially if you are a single dad. Carve out a special time for both of you to check in regardless of how busy your lives are. When my daughter is with me, our dinners are always free of devices and distractions so we can pay attention to each other for a good 20 minutes for 100% of that time. Even if we have an argument and dine sitting in silence, at least neither of us are sitting alone. The silence will break. It always does.
We’re all dads and we have the bods to show for it. Not only do we struggle and wind up doing the wrong things for the right reasons, but we secretly fear doing the right things for the wrong reasons. Passivity complicates all of this even more and we must assert and always try to do the good things for good reasons.
