What is right and what is rule
Children have an innate sense of what is right and what is wrong. This is especially true when it comes to identifying danger. Given an unfamiliar situation, they proceed with extreme caution or not at all. Whether their actions are driven by ideas of self-preservation or actions of exploration, rarely does a child leap before they look. As a child becomes more socialized, they learn norms and rules of a given group, collective or society. In many cases, the norms are what help a child continue to shape the sense of what is right and wrong. But sometimes, things are not so black and white and rules can be broken because they simply are not right.
We teach our children never to cross the street on a red light. That’s a rule. We also drive on the right side of the road. That’s another rule. Well, one day, my daughter was in the car with me and I broke both of those rules at the same time and she called me out. The traffic light was out, and then turned red, then flashing green, then out again. There was a construction crew working in the area and I was waved to go through the intersection by a police officer. There were also parked cruisers, utility vans and trucks blocking the lane so I had no choice but to drive on the left side of the road alternating against opposing traffic as we all try to negotiate the same single lane. Rules exist, but sometimes they cannot be applied to a situation. And therein lies a beautiful contradiction.
When rules are followed without question and without exceptions, they become mental straitjackets and handicap a child’s ability to think creatively. It is far better to let them discover and develop what is appropriate and build a system of rules to support that, than to heedlessly follow rules hoping that it will lead them to the right outcome.
We all know that children crave routines and rules help them to adhere to it. But if we teach our children to slavishly follow rules, we will not have taught them to think for themselves. When rules are followed without question and without exceptions, they become mental straitjackets and handicap a child’s ability to think creatively. Ultimately the rule may fail to uphold the very behavior it is trying to enforce. In order for rules to work well, they have to be self-enforcing so that without it, a lesser alternative emerges. Rules that keep children safe are generally not controversial. But rules that guide behavior are not so clear-cut. It should not dictate, but encourage her to find the reason and purpose why the rule exists in the first place. In other words, teach your daughter rules and let her determine what’s right; not the other way around.
LEGO is the perfect analogy. It’s a guiding principle, not a prescriptive one. The pieces are defined schematically as interlocking pieces (this is the underlying mathematical relationship) that can be adapted to limitless possibilities in expression. The pieces are designed so that things can be built to whatever context or outcome without violating the principle. A few rules and a bit of guidance will help your daughter built her system of morality.
Basic rules give children a small sense of order; giving them an elaborate, hand-me-down collection of edicts would set them adrift in a sea of abstract intangibles. It is far better to let them discover and develop what is appropriate and build a system of rules to support that, than to heedlessly follow rules hoping that it will lead them to the right outcome.