Parenting isn’t about the parent (Case study 6): Deadbeat moms
Deadbeat dad is a term that has been used for generations to describe a biological father who is absent, detached and unsupportive to his children both emotionally and financially. One doesn’t need to exhibit all of these characteristics to be labeled as such as anyone deficient of any support can cause harm. Unfortunately, mothers can also, for one reason or another, fall into the same delinquent categories.
According to the US Census Bureau report entitled Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2011, $3.7 billion in child support was owed to custodial dads. While there is a much larger amount that was owed to custodial moms of that same year, the argument here isn’t who owes whom more, but that delinquent payments exists across the board and its consequences is equally harmful. Notwithstanding any support payments or shared expenses being withheld, mothers may also be uncooperative in other ways. Its frequency of occurrence has unfortunately garnered the acronym: MMS or Malicious Mother Syndrome. According to medical and legal circles, MMS or MPS (parent) is generalized parental alienation (coined by child psychiatrists Dr. Richard A. Gardner). It can be characterized by four major criteria: taking actions to separate the child from the other parent for non-legal reasons; disrupting the child’s routine by interfering with extracurricular, denying visitation and communications with the other parent; telling lies, incomplete truths and distortions to the child repeatedly; and the parent has no medical disorder to explain their actions.
Whatever the reason, the purpose of MMS is to punish the dad through the child by turning the child against him. I have dad friends who are often the victim of MMS and they suffer varying degrees of distrust and hesitation from their child. For me, my ex-wife continues to fight me through these proxy wars. Regardless of whether I fight back or now, the casualty is always our daughter. But, our daughter is now 10 years-old and she’s not stupid. Many times, she has expressed dissatisfaction at the unreasonable restrictions or limitations placed upon her by mom. Sometimes, she feels so alone but I always remind her that as long as dad doesn’t give up, she will never be alone. She goes quiet. We commiserate through silence.
The more you react, the more your ex will incite pettiness. She’s simply not worth your time so deny her any attention. Don’t think you can reason with a borderline sociopath as logic and pragmatism are ineffective tools against erratic, rage-prone mentality.
Often, I feel like rescuing my daughter. But the fact of the matter is that unless there is substantial change in circumstances or the child is in clear and present danger, any attempts to alter the custody agreement is usually a high hurdle. The child still needs both parents and she will develop a different relationship with each. You can’t shield her from every bad apple, or even from her mom, ironically. Ultimately, she will decide whom she will go to for the things she needs. At this age, she’s still too young and hesitant to test the daughter/mother relationship. But in a few short years, she will be the one to redefine her relationship with her mother in a way that will turn her mom’s world upside down. And at a certain age, even a judge wouldn’t overrule the personal choices of a budding teenager on which household she chooses. In that regard, your daughter will have the last word and ultimately, she is the one who will end your fight with your ex. But it will only happen when she decides.
Until then, know the dangers of a deadbeat mom which is often ignored as fallacy as there is generational bias against dads giving legal defaults to the moms as caregivers. There may not be much you can do as an equal (or less) custody sharing dad. But call out the mom’s bad behavior and document everything. Keep a journal; you might need it for court. Avoid mirroring; the more you react, the more she will incite pettiness. Your ex is simply not worth your time so deny her any attention. Don’t think you can reason with a borderline sociopath as logic and pragmatism are ineffective tools against erratic, rage-prone mentality. For your daughter though, remain steadfast and consistent so she sees you as her touchstone. Don’t feel the need to talk about her mom with your daughter; she doesn’t need to relive what she’s just left. Wait it out; play the long game. The years will fly and your daughter is growing up fast. She will know the whole truth one day. Since she will outlive both of you, her future relationship with each parent is entirely her dictate! You have to trust your daughter on this. And when the day comes, just be there. No conditions. No judgment. Dialog may not even be necessary since you have already spoken so much through your mutual silence. You survived your ex to become a better man that she will never have the benefit of. Your daughter will also survive her mom and will become a force to be reckoned with. Remember, know that the most beautiful lotus flower can only bloom in muddy waters.
