Your child may need therapy
Notwithstanding a global pandemic, the life and times of a child of divorce can be tough. Even in the best of times, a child will worry about blame, loyalty and trust. If a child has siblings and move as a pack between homes, it is easier as misery loves company. But if you have an only child like me, then you have to be on extra alert because she may not be vocal about what is on her mind and you’d have to be vigilant to detect subtle changes in your daily conversations.
As children are still developing their advanced vocabulary, they will not know how to unpack their feelings in ways that can be addressed and explained sufficiently for themselves. Depending on the relationship the child has with each parent, the child may not feel comfortable to share their innermost struggles for fear of dismissal or excessive inquiry. Barring abuse and other trauma, the intervention may need to take on an urgent approach. So it’s helpful to isolate the type of involvement necessary to help your child.
Before. If you child expresses ideas of self-harm or explicitly talks about suicide, you’d need to take immediate steps. This will mean talking to the ex, the school and even the lawyer—because they have resources to help broken families (that’s their profession). But many signs have appeared before this and they can include expressions of disinterest, hopelessness and preoccupation with the uncertainty of the future. She may have shifted eating and sleeping habits and patterns or she may be constantly bringing up a specific topic. For my daughter, who experiences different approaches to parenting because her mom and I are very different people, her constant preoccupation is what I do when she is not with me. She fears that I will find a new life and leave her behind. She fears I will remarried. She feels abandonment and being forgotten. A child will take things at face value more readily than adults because they have fewer life experiences to fall back on. So be very cognizant of this stage as no bizarre behavior is unusual.
Depending on the location of the therapist, some sessions may need to be conducted via video conference. The child must have a safe space to speak candidly. It should be noted that it is unfair (and unethical) to inquire about the sessions with your child. Don’t assume that because the client is a child, you have a right to violate her space.
During. If therapy is appropriate, then consent may need to be sought from the ex. This can be done amicable or (as in my contentious case) sought with a simple letter from your lawyer clarifying costs and suggested therapists. Finding the right counselor is almost always the toughest part. You want one based on gender, age, specialty and availability. The therapist will also want to meet with each parent separately to get a more holistic view. The frequency will need to be determined so that the sessions do not further disrupt daily routine of school and extracurricular activities. Depending on the location of the therapist and the Public Health Department orders, some sessions may need to be conducted via video conference. The child must also have a safe space to speak candidly. It should be noted that it is unfair (and unethical) to inquire about the sessions with your child. By law, there are only two conditions that a therapist would break patient confidentiality so don’t assume that because the client is a child, you have a right to violate her space.
After. Just like a physical injury, post treatment care and follow up are even more necessary as the wounds are invisible. Skin, muscles and bones will heal in days or weeks. Emotional scars will take months or years. If left untreated, these wounds may never heal so it’s important to constantly monitor the mental health of your child with heaping doses of warmth and patience. Your daughter may have gained a supportive, external ally and learned some new coping mechanisms, but the healing has only just begun.
The termination of therapy isn’t the end; it is not up to us to conclude that since the sessions have ended, she is therefore cured. In fact, the end of treatment is only the start of the self-healing process; the work continues. Expect periodic return or touch points with the same therapist as time unfolds. This is not a bad thing. It signals that the child is engaged and moving through the issue(s). The best thing a parent can do is to remain open, unconditionally compassionate and let the professionals help her in a nurturing way free of guilt, shame and stigma.
