Fighting in front of your child? Do it differently
remember once upon a time when my daughter was barely 2 years-old, her mom and I got into an argument about watching TV. I didn’t want our daughter to get plopped in front of it. To my utter surprised, she actually cried, “It’s okay, daddy. I don’t want to watch TV”. It was her way of saying she didn’t want me to fight with mommy. The image of her plugging her ears forever etched into my memory. Since then, I have made deliberate attempts not to fight with her mom when our daughter is present. At least I try. Our separation and our divorce were speedy. We moved to separate households and our child bounced between two homes. But that didn’t bring an end to the conflict. In fact, as our daughter’s life became more expansive requiring increasing parental coordination, the conflict only increased.
Being in separate households, my fights with the ex-wife used to be confined to emails. Phone calls were the first to get dropped since it was impossible to have a rational conversation without it spiraling into a shouting match. Emails eventually became a waste of time since she never read or opened any attachment of importance. So for me, text messages became sufficient. But instant messages became not very instant and sometimes, they are ignored out of spite. Eventually, I found her deliberate stonewalling had nothing to do with anything worthwhile and I opted to go it alone and only communicated with the ex on matters that absolutely required consent. And for truly contentious conflicts, I spoke through a lawyer. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been down this road many times. But I learned a lot about conflict resolution. While the courts are deliberately process bound and the lawyers purposeful in their wordsmithing, I learnt the most from the judges. Their thought process, deliberation and decisions are real gems I’d like to share, hoping other dads can benefit without going through the expense.
Fighting is an emotion rooted in fear. And emotion is the one thing the legal system has the least tolerance for. You don’t pay lawyers to listen to your feelings and the judge will demand the facts of an argument. So very quickly, I learn to fight not to win, but to defend (with evidence) what is best for the child.
Fighting is not just about speaking louder than the other, or denying the other an opportunity to speak. Conflict resolution (through mediator, arbitrator or a judge) is actually more effectively done with softer voices. It also requires the counter party to offer same so both positions can be compared, contrasted and weighed—again for the benefit of the child.
Fighting shouldn’t be filled with emotionally charged ugly words, it should be done to stand up and speak up for someone who is either too young or unable to speak for themselves.
Fighting isn’t about either one of the parents. The divorce paper made the division fair and legal. If one party feels otherwise, it’s better to cut the losses than to chase after residual goodwill. There’s nothing either of you can now do to make each other whole. The marriage ended broken; what’s the point of mending it now when it didn’t happened then? On the surface, the fight is about control (of the child). For me, my marriage ended with shared custody so I do not need to seek permission from my ex to do anything saved for some material decisions. I think that’s one of the things that bother my ex the most. My daughter and I decide to do things to the exclusion of her mom. I encourage our daughter to pursue her hobbies and interests that require time regardless of custody calendar and the ex feels it’s an imposition. But, in my case, not only did the court uphold our child’s choice to participate in some reasonable extracurricular activities, the judge also ordered the ex to pay for proportional share of expenses. My daughter’s path is her choosing and my goal is to remove obstacles and interference from that path. Non-custody fathers have an even greater uphill battle.
As our daughter gets older, she is going to require more support for the things that are increasingly becoming more important to her, not the parents. I don’t fight with the ex-wife anymore, although she thinks I still do. But when I do engage in battle, my venue is the courts and our daughter knows it. She sees a different kind of fight. One not filled with emotionally charged, ugly words, but a fight that is strategized and executed for permanence. She’s now old enough to understand and I tell my daughter that I am dragging her mother out in front of a judge to argue publicly what I feel is just for an 11 year-old. I don’t tell her everything, but she does see me get dressed up in a pressed shirt and tie as I appear in front of a judge. It’s very public and my fights can stand the scrutiny of daylight.
Big fights don’t end in a day and sometimes, they drag on for months, maybe even years. I’m not a confrontational person nor do I meddle in others’ business. It’s when people repeatedly cross my line that I come out swinging. And when my daughter sees me take on anyone by the horns, she knows there’s a legitimate reason. It teaches that for the truly important issues, acquiescing is not a viable approach. It teaches her not to fight with emotions, but with logic and arguments. It teaches her that the primary purpose of fighting isn’t to win, but to defend. And ultimately, it teaches her to stand up and speak up for someone who is either too young or unable to speak for themselves. That’s why I fight in front of my daughter.
