Leaves of three, let them be. Girls of three, one will flee

When it comes to raising a boy, I have the parenting experience of none. But from observations of my friend’s children, it is easier to tell the social patterns of boys and girls. The first time I actually saw a huge difference in their play was when a bunch of us parents (probably 10 families) got together and went camping several years ago.  The playgroups self-arranged by gender; and the numbers varied depending on the activity but my daughter was in a group of three. Their play lasted for a grand total of 15 minutes and then one girl came crying because she was left out. This happened several times that weekend and eventually we had to prevent such match-ups. A more recent example, my daughter and I were at an all-inclusive vacation resort where she meet two other girls that week – one older and one younger than her by a year each way. And inevitably the younger girl was left out.

It’s painful to see especially when it is your child who is the one left out. You can try to control the situation and the conditions of play to be more inclusive, but for the parent whose child was left out, the situation is between a rock and a hard place. Separating her from the playgroup adds to your child’s misery. As painful as it feels to be excluded, she still wants to be with them. You taking her away from that while temporarily soothes her (and you), but it does nothing to resolve the situation and you’ve robbed her of an opportunity to resolve it herself. But truth be told, at the age of 6, she likely lacks the social sophistication to resolve such complex triads anyway and that is why we parents must intervene.

Kids can be cruel and some are just rotten. While internally resolving the complexity of conflicts is the optimal choice, your child likely lacks the social sophistication to resolve such complex triads, anyway. Teach your daughter to walk away when the conditions of play no longer suits her. Your daughter making her own choice is infinitely better than living with the leftovers of other people’s choices.

As much as you try to defuse it, your daughter will meet up with other kids who will exclude her – for any reasons. It could be that she wore a different outfit, said a certain thing, came from a different neighborhood, or whatever it was that probably had nothing to do with your kid being excluded in the first place. Kids can be cruel and some are just rotten. There are some really mean kids out there. And it is a lesson in itself to let her know that she doesn’t need to get attention and approval from the wrong kids. Since you can’t be there to help her through all situations at all times, (nor would you want to be that kind of helicopter parent, anyway), here are a few things to keep in mind

• Arrange play dates in even numbers. Two’s company, three’s a crowd, but four’s can become two pairs!
• Kids are emotional and they like different things and at different times. They change their minds a lot, so don’t get swept up in their choices
• Teach her that things aren’t always equal.

Begin to teach her to resolve conflicts in a triad. Internal resolution is always the optimal choice and if she is in the middle and in a position to stand up for the disadvantaged party, do what she can. This approach has a way of turning the offending party into an injured party, so beware of the consequence. The offending party might be further emboldened and the injured party might so desperately want to be included that she would not recognize nor reciprocate your daughter’s gesture. Almost instantly, the tables will turn and your daughter will be the one left out. If this happens, teach her to walk away when the conditions of play no longer suits her. It could be a matter of minutes before the formerly injured party seeks to gain your daughter’s membership again. These dynamics are constantly shifting and changing and it is important to teach your daughter to recognize and coach her through it as nothing is permanent. There is no shame in her calling out something stupid and then walking away from it. Your daughter making her own choice is infinitely better than living with the leftovers of other people’s choices.

As adults, there are people we know we don’t like almost immediately. We don’t try to force situations to work, so apply the same principle to child’s play. While children situations are simpler, the social dynamics are just as complex. I suspect that I shall write about this topic as she progresses through the ages and especially as she turns into a teenager.