Parenting isn’t about the parent (Case study 1): Boys in the girl’s change room

As your daughter gets older, an increasing amount of socialization will obviously come from outside your home. Many of these interactions will elicit positive responses, some neutral and a few downright unacceptable. In this multi-article conversation (see sidebar), I’ll be writing about the unacceptable because sometimes, parents are the worst part of parenting.

 

My daughter is old enough to dress herself and she disappears into the girl’s change room on her own before and after her swim class. Usually, I wait patiently until she emerges from the dressing room and then we head home — except for one night. She was taking particularly longer to come out and so I camped outside the door. A few minutes later, I saw two boys coming out and then a shorter third, followed by two women. I was perplexed at this uncanny exit. So I asked the women if they were the mothers of these three boys. They confirmed they were. I asked how old the boys were. They replied, “Ten and twelve’s.” Then my blood boiled.

I can sense the women’s indignant attitude surfacing. But I pressed on and asked why the boys can’t use the boy’s bathroom. Her annoyed response was that without their father present, she didn’t want her boys to change on their own. I chided them, “If you expressed this concern for your boys, then you should instantly appreciate that my 8 year-old daughter is changing in the girl’s bathroom by herself in the presence of your three boys.” The women immediately grasped the concept, probably felt chagrin as they avoided me and the five of them scurried to leave. Their silence was like kerosene. At that moment, I said loudly enough for all the parents to hear, “You have not answered my question on why you think it is okay for your boys to change in the girl’s bathroom.” They still didn’t answer. At that moment, I called the swim coach who was already on his way over to calm the situation. Apparently, a small crowd of curious and sympathetic parents gathered, also.

The ‘discussion’ spilled over into the parking lot and the women had the audacity to lecture me for being unreasonable. “So expecting reasonable privacy for my daughter in a public change room is excessive?” Their responses were illogical, emotional and incoherent and generally being dismissive to a man who was standing up for a female child. It didn’t end well for the two mothers who were told on the spot by the swim coach to observe the policy where children older than 7 must use gender appropriate bathrooms. I filed a complaint with the organization and that evening, the administrator called them regarding the strict enforcement of that policy. I even told my normally argumentative ex-wife and she was surprisingly agreeable to the stink I raised. Even the three boys who were witness to all of this didn’t once raise their glances as I am certain if they were old enough to feel embarrassment, then they were old enough to think twice before entering a girl’s bathroom again.

When moms and dads fail to be parents and their actions or inactions impact me and my daughter to the point where I need to parent on their behalf, that’s when things can go horribly wrong. Ultimately, what I see when these two women prioritize their own interests above the basic respect of others, they are not teaching their boys to respect girls; they also undermine the entire gender discussion. Saying nothing is not an option.

My own daughter was also very quiet throughout the encounter, but that night, she said, “Thanks for sticking up for me, daddy.” Always. Has this happened before? “A few times.”  I asked her if any of the boys were looking at her. She said that, “The older boys didn’t but the shorter one just stared.” If you ever feel uncomfortable, change in the toilet stall with the door closed. At any time, if you feel uneasy, come out and tell me or the coach. Don’t confront them yourself. “Okay, daddy.” The next day, the owner of the swim school called me and said that he was assured by the families this will not happen again. We chatted briefly and I thanked him for running an excellent school. Since that night, I haven’t seen those parents. Maybe they changed classes. Maybe they changed schools. Good. I wouldn’t want to bump into me either!

When I started this blog, I had stated very clearly to the audience that there’s never one correct way to raise daughters. But when moms and dads fail to be parents and their actions or inactions impact me and my daughter to the point where I need to parent on their behalf, that’s when things can go horribly wrong. I reflected back on the whole incident and wondered if I could have reacted differently. I also wondered if the reaction would have been different if my daughter’s mom challenged the women instead of me. But ultimately, what I see when these two women prioritize their own interests above the basic respect of others, they are not teaching their boys to respect girls; they also undermine the entire gender discussion. We’re quick to observe bad behavior of kids. But behavior is learned (from parents most of the time) and when it is acted out and crosses a line, it has to be called out. Saying nothing is not an option.

I can’t be there for my daughter all the time and I don’t usually react in such a volatile manner. A girl’s personal space and expectation for privacy is sacred. Her belief in this most basic requisite and your commitment to defend that interest gives her a lot of comfort and security. She needs you to stand up for her now, if she is to stand up for herself later.