Not long after I became a parent, my wife and I made fast friends with other daycare parents. We commiserated on the lack of sleep performing new responsibilities. We swapped advice, recipes and calendars. Ironically, I thought being a parent was the most natural and commonplace thing, but we all felt we were breaking new ground on our own so those fast friends were real lifelines. When I became a single-parent, I hung on to those same people and picked up a few more as my daughter entered kindergarten and through primary school. Now that my daughter is in junior high, I find that meeting other parents (even the ones at my daughter’s extracurricular activities) is only cordial as we are there for the kids. After a decade, even for neophyte parents, it’s down to a science. As I gradually pull away from the parent groups, I gravitate back to my own pre-parent friends.
After two years of sporadic pandemic lockdown and isolation protocols, even familiar friendships took effort so it’s no surprise that many casual and incidental birds-of-a-feather can became out-of-sight and out-of-mind. As you are thinking about ghosting some parent-friends, no doubt they are thinking the same. If contact has been infrequent to non-existent, your daughter likely has outgrown her friends and indirectly, you have outgrown that community. That’s not a bad thing; on the contrary, growth is good. It’s unrealistic to expect that all friendships can last forever, much less the ones made at daycare through a phase of your daughter’s life that has long lapsed.
Another reason that you may want to increase your distance from some parent-friends is that the more time you spend with them, the more you discover that their values are simply inconsistent with yours. I have often found that some smart people are also the dumbest: the science deniers, the anti-vaxxers; unconditional huggers, socialists, homophobes, elitist, or just plain old assholes! The lights are on, but nobody’s home. Or worse, looks good on the outside, but hoarders on the inside. Beyond a perfunctory salutation acknowledging their existence, I have few regrets about discontinuing convenient acquaintanceship with some whose names I now struggle to remember. Besides, from their perspective, maybe I am that plain old asshole!
It’s unrealistic to expect that all friendships can last forever, much less the ones made at daycare through a phase of your daughter’s life that has long lapsed. And you certainly don’t need to justify unfriending anybody.
Even if you get to know them as a good person, you might discover that their parenting style is completely different! I once invited a mother and her daughter over for dinner and was asked if I was cooking something else in case her daughter didn’t like it. Incredulous! I did not and they were never invited back. I also find it exhausting to listen to parents drone on and on about their inability to manage their kid’s appalling behavior resulting in truly heinous monster children. I also hate dealing with righteous moms. And on and on and on. I’m glad we are all able to provide more than the basics to our children, but excessive enablement and appeasement has created a generation infested with young people with no sense of responsibility, ownership and see the world through rose-colored privilege glasses.
Dealing with children’s bad behavior is one thing, but the parents can be more unfortunate. At least the children can be educated. Once a parent came over with her daughter to play string instruments with mine. The mother took it upon herself to tune my daughter’s cello through the large pegs on the scroll. Despite my discouragement, the mom snapped a string. It was the end of the duet which very quickly turn into the end of the playdate. She was apologetic, but that night, I sent her the receipt for a replacement string I had to go buy. My daughter was just thankful the mom didn’t break anything else!
So you want to end the relationship? Especially when it doesn’t move the needle forward. You can dial it down gradually, but it’s better to rip the band aid off quickly. Use the COVID or some personal sickness excuse to simply let the parent-friendship wither from neglect since resumption would seem contrive. A new year or new school are natural inflection points. And you certainly don’t need to justify unfriending anybody. But if you have made the decision, be consistent. As with any relationship that no longer serves you, make the decision without giving mixed messages.
In my daughter’s decade of daycare, kindergarten and primary school, I have meet many, moms and dads, moms-only, dads-only, mom and moms and even dads and dads. I am very good friends with just a handful. In fact, my father’s drinking club still has members that hail from when our kids were in diapers! Like cleaning out my closet, I pruned my social circle annually and very happy I don’t live in a 500+ friends universe. Quality trumps quantity every time, for this grumpy old man.
