The parent trap

However cordial you and your ex-wife might be, there are likely lingering irreconcilable differences. I’m willing to bet that in the absence of your daughter, there are bush fire disagreements that can flare into raging wars spontaneously. This is not news and there’s nothing either of you can do about it. Divorce was personal and the upbringing of your child is emotional. Let’s face it; even though you tell yourself and your daughter that she is not the cause of your marital break-up, she is what you are still fighting for and through.

Your daughter is now at an age to really understand the dynamics of a two household family. She shares stories with classmates also in the same situation. It’s good for her to commiserate especially if she is a single child. I’ve once heard her friend asking what it is like to have two homes. The best thing you can do for your daughter who is becoming increasingly lucid about father / daughter conversations is to be honest – they know when you are leaving out details or lying.

Divorce was personal and the upbringing of your child is emotional. Let’s face it; even though you tell yourself and your daughter that she is not the cause of your marital break-up, she is what you are still fighting for and through.

Nevertheless, there are situations where you and your ex-wife will disagree. It is inevitable, so understanding those situations will greatly help in dealing with the types of disagreement and the scenarios which will emerge.  Generally, the interaction of one or two household families can be grouped into 2 types of possibilities: parental consensus (Type 1) or not (Type 2). As the child gets older and begins to have influence or even make decisions herself, you’ll see scenarios begin to emerge as outlined in the chart below, showing the scenarios where each participant is in agreement or not. The trap is where most parents get snared as they treat each conflict the same way when the situations and scenarios are different.

Situation	Type 1	Type 1	Type 1	Type 2	Type 2	Type 2	Type 2
Scenario	A	B	C	D	E	F	G
Parental Agreement	Yes	Yes	Yes	No	No	No	No
Dad	OK	OK	not OK	OK	OK	not OK	not OK
Mom	OK	OK	not OK	not OK	not OK	OK	OK
Daughter	OK	not OK	OK	OK	not OK	OK	not OK

• In Scenario A, it is happy, blissful nirvana. For example, her attending school is a no-brainer; everyone is aligned. The only thing left to fight over is the logistics and which parent should do what by when.
• In Scenario B, both parents need to work on convincing the child of a chosen path. Bribery and coercion will eventually have to give way to negotiation because as the child gets older, she is going to increasingly push back on the will of the parents (Scenario C). It can be easy for Scenario B to morph into C, so don’t be too pushy and listen to your daughter. She may yet convince you that Scenario C is a good choice for her, despite both your protests.
• In Scenarios D through G, the parents have no consensus and the child will increasingly express yet a third opinion and could seek an alliance with one of the parents. We were in one particular Scenario D and my daughter asked if I was upset. My respond to her was, “Yes, but I’m not upset with you, it wasn’t your decision.” She found comfort in this knowing that she wasn’t responsible. In another Scenario, I told my daughter to speak to her mom about why she wasn’t in agreement and to seek conditions where she will agree. Trying to be conciliatory reduces conflict and teaches your daughter a good strategy to deal with conflict. You already have enough bush fires with your ex-wife, so don’t fan the flames and fight through your daughter.

In all situations, do what is right for your daughter, regardless of whether you agree or not. The litmus test should be whether the decision is still the same whether it was your daughter or a stranger’s daughter. This approach takes the emotion out of it. In the scenario that really matters is how you daughter makes decisions for herself especially in Scenario C, when parental input is no longer sought or available. Eventually, everything else will matter little except for this scenario!