Would I parent differently if she was an only child? Yes, by taking better care of myself!

Human dynamics are very funny things. Sibling birth order can determine personalities. Single vs. multiple children households have huge impact on the formation of each child’s behavior. Even parents who aren’t supposed to have favorites (and neither should kids), have affinity to different personalities. As for me, given that I have only one female child, would I actually be a different parent than if I were still married with a house full of kids? Oh yes! And here’s where I think my daughter wins and loses.

As with anything in life, focus will bring success. Since I am in the timesharing situation of raising one little person, I have time and resources to spare. It’s no different than a teacher who has to manage a class of 30 students compared to 10, divided attention can dilute the quality of the interaction. For my daughter, I needn’t be concerned about providing too much attention. It’s the contrary.

What I need to be careful about are the things I cannot change: my daughter is an only child. Scientists have discovered that being an only child not only shapes personalities and behaviors, but can also shape the structure of the brain. China’s one-child policy was a social experiment that has produced entire generations of little emperors and empresses who struggle with agreeableness in personality tests like the Revised NEO Personality Inventory. While my daughter doesn’t have a little empress mentality, I tried to raise her from a k-strategy with r-values perspective. This I accomplish by exposing her to family and community so she realizes that households are much broader than bloodlines. But it’s not the current parenting approaches that occupy my mind. Nor is it her young adulthood as I am sure she’ll turn out balanced and well-adjusted and surrounded by concentric circles of close friends, co-workers and supportive stakeholders. And here is the thesis of this article: it’s my own twilight years that I fear could become a burden on my only child.

It’s my own twilight years that I fear could become a burden on my only child. In a worst case scenario, if both my ex-wife and I fall ill, any future our daughter has, however well prepared will be for naught if our only-child becomes overwhelmed with the responsibilities of our simultaneous eldercare.

When my own mother, in her early eighties, had a fall and spent several months in the hospital, she received around the clock care from physicians and nurses. My siblings and I each took turns for visits, brought home cooked meals and gradually transitioned mom back to her own home after her release. Caring for the elderly can be enormous emotional and financial drains. We relied on health insurance and each other to carry all of us through. Some families do not have either of these support systems. In a worst case scenario, if both my ex-wife and I fall ill, any future our daughter has, however well prepared will be for naught if our only-child becomes overwhelmed with the responsibilities of our simultaneous eldercare. In this scenario, my daughter would not yearned for a sibling to reminisce, but would covet sorority for her own survival as she is swept by unrelenting tides of burden and loneliness. It can be truly devastating if she has to put her life on hold and move back home.

So, the best thing you can do for your child as a parent is to take care of yourself so your care doesn’t become her responsibility and burden later in life. There is wisdom when flight attendants instruct us to putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping out a child: we’d be in no position to help anyone if we pass out first! So when she’s not with you during your off weeks, take that walk in the park, go for a run or to the gym. Keep active, stay fit and eat well. Good lifestyles and healthy diets are ingredients for people who live to become healthy centenarians.  And while accidents do happen, your recovery will be quicker if you’re healthier. And make sure you have insurance to lessen financial drain to cover your STD and LTD needs. My daughter is an only child. How do I take care of her? By also taking care of myself.