Harry said to Sally in When Harry Met Sally (1989) that men and women can’t be just friends because there’s always that ‘sex’ thing which gets in the way. Sally refused to believe it and asserted that she has men friends. To which Harry said that she was wrong and in actuality, those men wanted to have sex with her. Sally was confused about Harry’s thinking and again asserted that he was wrong.
My daughter has known the two children of one of my best friends since she was 2 years old (a boy one year older, and a girl one year younger than my daughter). We have been to each other’s houses, cottages, vacationed together and during COVID, we watched steaming episode via WhatsApp so we can all stay in touch even when we couldn’t. I even wrote about the death of his dad. It’s nice to see that our children get along well as they have enjoyed sailing, water skiing and other cottage life during the summer months. My daughter’s conversations with the boy often leave out the younger sister. A couple of times, we, the parents, discovered a closed door and we discreetly pushed it open and asked them to come join us. We’ve never discovered anything cautionary. My buddy’s wife said she will talk to her son as he is 14 going on hormones. I said I would talk to my daughter also as she is 13 going on curious.
On the ride back from the cottage, I asked my daughter how she enjoyed the weekend. Carefully and discretely, I inquired about whether they (the kids) have enough commonality given they all go to different schools and don’t see other often. My daughter said that she enjoys the boy’s company and less so the girl’s since her interests are more aligned with his than with hers. “What do you guys talk about?” I asked. Movies, music, activities, school, parents… stuff. “Parents? What about us?” Stuff. “Do you like him?” As a friend. Nothing more. “Does he like you?” I dunno. Why are you asking me these weird questions? “Because the sister always complains to us as you guys leave her out.” That’s because she wants us to do things she wants. “What do you guys do?” Stuff. “Oh right, you said that.”
I want her not to be ensnared by the trappings of an incidental relationship simply because others desire a convenient attachment. I believe men and women can be friends. So that means I believe boys and girls should and can be just friends.
After a small pause, I said, “I hope you guys remain friends just like his dad and me.” Then my daughter said, this is weird dad, we’re just friends. I was relieved because if they ever dated as boyfriend and girlfriend, it would get weird and we would not be able to visit the way we do now. “That’s good, ’cause it does get weird. Remember how you stopped talking to your first boyfriend after you broke up with him?” Dad! “Alright, I’m just putting it out there that being boy/girlfriends changes things.” I know. And I wouldn’t want to not go to the cottage again. We laughed as both of us knew how true that would be!
I think having these discussions with my daughter now that she’s a teenager is actually easier. There are still serious and necessary conversations to be had by me, but certainly human relations and sexuality is not a topic new to us. I also think that having these discussions in the twenty-first century is far easier than it was for us in the twentieth century. For one thing, my daughter is not saddled with expectations and gender norms in the age of woke. She isn’t as bound with limitations and expectations the way we were a generation ago.
Notwithstanding popular science claiming that men and women are driven primarily by physiology, most of us try and do achieve higher levels of actualization. At the end of the day, hormones notwithstanding, we are social animals and crave the company of others. Sex and gender are anchored in identify, not just in function the way we were once taught. And I’m glad my daughter feels she can and should be friends with anyone she chooses. But still, I want her not to be ensnared by the trappings of an incidental relationship simply because others desire a convenient attachment. I believe men and women can be friends. So that means I believe boys and girls should and can be just friends.
