Love her like a child, but still treat her like a toddler?

One of my first memories of how fast my daughter is growing up was when she said to me, “I know already, daddy! You don’t have to tell me!” as she attempted to buckle her own seat belt. She was 4. When I do things over time, it becomes habitual and my actions and words go on autopilot. Even with the best of intentions, her protest at me to stop reminding her to buckle her seat belt signaled to me that perhaps I was still treating her like an infant when technically she wasn’t even a toddler anymore.

Letting go is tough. I still naturally grab her hand when crossing a carless street. Maybe it’s old habit or maybe it’s a good safety protocol. For now, at the age of 7, she grabs mine in return when we cross the street. In a few short years, that will not happen. Her protests notwithstanding, she’ll always be my child and letting go mentally will always be tougher for parents than for the child. Nevertheless, her protests signal critical growth stages. So adapt your approach or you’ll turn into a nagging old fogey in her eyes.

Nagging dis-empowers both parties and can lead to everyone questioning the relationship. Since children cannot divorce their parents, they are literally stuck in the perpetual parent/child relationship that suck the life and fun out of everything. Children will continue to grow up, but if the power dynamics between parent and child does not change, it can become the primary reason why children withdraw and disconnect from parents.

Children challenge you because they are essentially telling you one of two things: that they are old enough to handle it or that they want to figure it out. If it’s the latter, then give them some space and don’t spoil the ending. Even if you know better, let them figure it out so they know from experience. My daughter was eager to bake something and once she wound up dumping a cup of flour while the cake mixer was still spinning. I would have stopped the motor and raised the beaters first. But for her, the unexpected outcome of flour flying everywhere served as a lesson and it’s likely she won’t repeat this anytime soon. It was a bloody mess to clean up and I cursed the whole time we were doing it. But I guess it was necessary because she really was more careful with pouring and measuring after that.

Occasionally, when she’s focused on something, I wind up repeating myself over and over again. Dinner time is a common scenario. But repeating a request to motivate someone to action is a wrong strategy. In fact, repeating often has the opposite effect. Clearly there’s a lack of attention and communication is ineffective. Uncorrected, repeated requests turn to nagging and however infrequent and trivial the matter, the words spoken serve to symbolize critique, disrespect and ultimately a loss of trust. Surely no sane parent takes on these approaches with their child but through the monotony of daily stress, these outcomes become inevitable. Nagging dis-empowers both parties and can lead to everyone questioning the relationship. Since children cannot divorce their parents, they are literally stuck in the perpetual parent/child relationship that sucks the life and fun out of everything. Children will continue to grow up, but if the power dynamics between parent and child does not change, it can become the primary reason why children withdraw and disconnect from their parents.

Your daughter is at an age where she is becoming just as much a contributor to your father/daughter conversation as you are. For now, it’s a nice little two-seater cabriolet with two steering wheels — just like some of those amusement park rides. Don’t hog the steering and keep it fun — just like the amusement ride!