Do something together as a family and give your daughter good memories
Mine is one of the most acrimonious of all split-ups. Seven years of marriage followed by almost the same amount of time being separated / divorced. The reasons are no longer important. The only thing that matters is our now 8 year-old daughter. She has excellent relationships with both parents and notwithstanding the cold war that continues to simmer (sounds a bit of an oxymoron) our daughter is a little girl who is well-adjusted and balanced. But I know from many of the conversations I have had with her, some of her revelations come from a sad place. She has so few memories of the three of us together and photographs can never retell the story; she wishes things could be different and grasp desperately for stories when mommy, daddy and her were all living together.
Your situation could be better or worse, but we’re not here to compare war wounds. We are here to ensure the positive upbringing of our children and to enrich that experience not just for them, but for you and, yes, your ex(es). So despite not having many positive memories, and regardless of how hard it is for you to extend that olive branch, resist all aversion and arrange to have a meal together, especially over the holidays. You’ll be making great memories for your daughter (who will forever cherish the selfie of the three of you). Heck, even a truce was called on Christmas of 1914 in the trenches. You don’t need to set aside or forgive and forget all your differences; just don’t bring it up for one day. Do it for the sake of your daughter. If you need a reason for reaching out, I’ll give you three.
Heck, even a truce was called on Christmas of 1914. No amount of comfort in separation will ever be equal to a brief moment in togetherness.
‘Til death do you part. Your matrimonial relationship may have ended, but the consequence of that marriage survives. Your daughter will need two loving parents and their respective sides of the family. To her, all of it is her one family. And even though the responsibility may legally end by the age of 18, chances are, she’ll go to college and as loving parents, we will continue to be involved in our children’s lives and support them as necessary. While financial support may be the first to fall away, emotional and other support will persist until you are released of those obligations in death.
Blame. They will never tell you this, but secretly, children at one time or another will blame themselves for the parents splitting up. You and your ex-wife are the two most important persons in her life. It really tears at her soul that you two are not together. No amount of comfort in separation will ever be equal to a brief moment in togetherness. It will reinvigorate her soul for the three of you to break bread together. Provided of course that your daughter is ready and wants this; forcing a situation for a photo-op also isn’t a good idea and can make things awkward. Do it purely and only for the emotional fulfillment for your daughter.
What you do for others, you do for yourself. I am going to be very dismissively blunt here: nobody cares about your problems. Your daughter doesn’t care why you broke up with her mom; she’s stuck with its aftermath. You’ve known for a long time that your ex-wife doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your opinions, much less your problems. Your family members are mildly allergic to hear of your problems (if they are even grudgingly sympathetic at all). Your co-workers? Don’t even think of airing your laundry as you have a career and reputation. As for your friends? They live vicariously through you. Don’t replay your life’s soap operas; they have their own drama. All this to say that if you want a better outlook, then live a better outlook! If you want a conflict-free experience, then stop picking fights. If you want people around you to be kind and generous, then you be kind and generous. Project what you wish to receive and like karma, it will come right back to you ten-fold over!
You may still have outstanding matters to resolve, but our society has ways to allow you to work through the system in a civilized and depersonalized manner. For one day of the year, set it aside. Turn off the computer. Put the phone down. Grab your coat and keys (and your wallet), have a fine meal and toast to everyone’s health and wish the best of all things to all people in the New Year. Start with your daughter in mind.