Co-parenting in a time of pandemic
Forty-eight hours before our scheduled departure for an all-inclusive island vacation with friends, we cancelled citing health concerns amid the emerging pandemic, access to medical services if we did get sick, potential delays in repatriation and a mandatory quarantine period, upon return. The trip was deferred, March break was cancelled and school reopening was indefinitely postponed. This is serious. We stayed home and it was just as well, because both of us got sick with fever, cough and a few telltales signs of the virus. We went to the testing center and were ordered to stay home in self-isolation for two weeks. I asked the nurse about my daughter returning to her mom’s at the end of the week and she said probably best not too. I told my ex this and surprisingly she seemed resigned about me keeping our daughter for another 2 full weeks! She even got us groceries, too.
Instead of March break on a beach, we had the most boring stay at home March break ever. Even though we watched a lot of movies, played games, worked on homework, had music lesson by video conference, my daughter and I are not known to be homebodies. And while her symptoms have all but disappeared, mine was not clearing as quickly yet we remained homebound as a way to protect others. She misses her swimming, her group classes and orchestra, and I miss just simply being with people. And then I get an email from her mom saying that she’s going to pick up our daughter at the end of what would have been the March Break week. This would break our isolation protocol by order of Public Health.
While there is now a strict guideline on travel bans, isolation and social distancing, none of that is really applicable to a co-parenting routine. And regardless of current isolation protocol, it’s probably not a good idea to distort these guidelines to withhold parenting time. Your child will have very powerful memories of this pandemic. Don’t add to their burden with memories of bickering parents.
The priority of managing through quarantine with a child is safety. While there is now a strict guideline on travel bans, isolation and social distancing, none of that is really applicable to a co-parenting routine. My ex isn’t planning any trips, no playdates are in the works and she even said they will continue to self-isolate. I’m not sure she knows that’s how it works, but whatever. Regardless of current isolation protocol, it’s probably not a good idea to distort these guidelines to withhold parenting time. My daughter no longer exhibits symptoms but she can still be a carrier—as am I. There’s a chance that my daughter can still infect her mom. There’s also no scientific evidence that someone cannot be re-infected again. In the absence of more formal restrictions, one will likely not get any relief from a court if the parent ignores the current guidance. So you’ll have to resort to plain old common sense.
Each parent is responsible for the child during their custody times and each parent is still responsible for child support. A pandemic will not vary your agreement in place. If you’ve lost your job as a result of workplace closure, try to come to a new 30- or 60-day arrangement. If the discussions are too contentious, do not try alter the arrangements yourself. There’s a difference between a parent not following Public Health guidelines and a parent not adhering to their child support agreement. Talk with your lawyer and request a temporary workaround. Loss of work is a material change in circumstance and perhaps a simple letter is enough in the short-term.
Pandemics are by their very nature, very stressful events. Isolation and quarantine do not make it easy and can exacerbate co-parenting agreements and delicately placed routines. Things will return to normal. They will. But until then, be healthy. Be calm. Turn off the news! It’s mentally unhealthy to track the death toll every hour. Be compliant. Do what the health experts are asking. Be flexible. Some parents may need to work extra hours especially if they are front-line workers. Others may lose their work. Be understanding. Your child will have very powerful memories of this pandemic. Don’t add to their burden with memories of bickering parents.