The birds and the bees (Part 4): Penetration
My daughter’s first foray into this subject was through a documentary of an elephant giving birth when she was 6 years-old. In the two years that have followed, I have had no fewer than four serious conversations about this topic, each increasingly more revealing and each increasingly more graphic in description, but all at her pace and on her initiative. As I have told my readers, I approach this topic purely from observable and secular perspectives. However this topic is influenced by your background, I think we all agree that a topic as important as human sexuality is best introduced and discussed at home and not through a peer network.
The last conversation ended with an “Ewwwww” declaration when she found out that babies don’t grow in a mother’s stomach where food is stored, but born out of the womb through the vagina. Several months later, she had another question for me, “If the baby is made of sperm and egg, how does the sperm get there?” I looked at her squarely with a serious pause fully realizing that the Genie is about to come out of the bottle. The sperm comes out of the penis. “Ewwwww,” again! “So boys pee it out? Is that why boys have separate bathrooms than girls at school?” This time a made a slightly audible sigh. I stated that there were two things to know. First, sperm does not accidentally come out. Think of filling up gas at a station. The hose/nozzle delivers petro into the gas tank of the car. And second, the penis and the vagina in children are not fully functioning. So children can’t make babies. As my daughter is now eight years-old, we talked a little bit more. I went further and asked her to take note of her own bodily changes. Even though she is developing breasts, it doesn’t mean she can produce milk to nurse babies. She knows she’s a work in progress! And now she knows about the mechanics of penetration.
My eight year-old daughter only just discovered the mechanics of penetration. I let her ponder that for as long as she needs to. There is absolutely no rush to tell her more until she asks or is ready. If I speak positively and non-judgmentally about these topics early on, the chances of her coming to me later and at a time she needs advice the most will be much higher.
The first interest children have about sex education is usually around pregnancy and babies. They learn about relationships of males and females. They learn about body parts and about sperm and eggs. My eight year-old daughter only just discovered the mechanism that enable sperm and egg to unite. I let her ponder that for as long as she needs to. There is absolutely no rush to tell her more until she asks or is ready. The sex education discussion doesn’t need to happen all at once and in fact, there’s far too much to cover in one sitting, so don’t even try.
Given her current learning trajectory and her interactions with older female cousins, I have little doubt that soon, we’ll be talking about puberty. At that age, discussions using National Geographic images won’t be enough. The media is always introducing increasingly open and explicit messages in mainstream, so parents need to come out ahead of this discussion to avoid our children receiving distorted information.
The reason why I share this series of ongoing conversations (see sidebar) isn’t because I am the source of this knowledge. Nay, there is far more useful material on the internet. The reason why I have chronicled these conversations with her is because I know parents struggle with this (as I did)—especially dads with daughters (as we are). Soon enough, these conversations will become very personal and potentially emotional. By the time she’s a teenager, we would have discussed these topics many times over. Teens are generally very private individuals to begin with and if I speak positively and non-judgmentally about these topics early on, the chances of her coming to me at a time she needs advice the most will be much higher.