How to lose her heart in 10 days
Recalling a time when I said to my daughter that if I ever met someone, nothing would change between us. She often inquired about my love life and told me flat out I cannot remarry. And although no one ever moved in with us, I also don’t hide people from our lives either. As much as I try to keep my personal life discrete, inevitably, some of our interactions will intersect. Once, when my phone chimed with a particular tone, my attention immediately went there. I took that call during mid-conversation with my daughter and it lasted over an hour. My daughter felt ignored, dejected and was unsupportive of me socializing again. But our father/daughter relationship is strong and she opened up to express her sadness. Nothing hurts more than the candid words of an 11 year-old that cuts through the heart.
Here’s what really happens when a girl sees her divorced dad take an interest in another: she thinks she’ll lose her daddy. I recall an incident at a ballpark with my daughter when I was propositioned by two women. Kids think in the moment and they have little forethought that a conversation is just a conversation. What they think of is the beginning of the erosion of the father/daughter relationship. In the case of my telephone ringing, prior to that, she had my attention and me hers. Prior to that, there were limitless possibilities to make new memories and experiences. That phone ringing was akin to an alarm clock blaring loudly waking her up from that dreamy state. Rightly or wrongly, her time with me ended when I picked up that phone call.
Nothing hurts more than the candid words of an 11 year-old that cuts through the heart.
Another very unhealthy thought that goes through the mind of an 11 year-old girl when her father disappears like that isn’t just being ignored, but being replaced. No longer does she capture your attention. With competition, she needs to up her game to seek your attention—if not from you then from elsewhere. She needs to be and act in ways not natural to her age for you to notice. A child of this precarious age of tween, much less an only child, has never had to work this hard to gain the attention of a parent. And against an adult adversary, she’s set up to fail.
Ultimately, if things go on like this for long and a daughter continues to feel she’s an afterthought where her father spends leftover moments with her, she will feel that she has lost her father altogether. This will hit children of divorce the harder since they are already missing one parent at any given time. And this will hit girls hardest. To be ignored whilst at the house of her father means she has fully lost both parents: one physically and the other mentally.
There is no magic wand which will ensure your daughter will get along with the stereotyped stepmother. No magic potion that will bring everyone together singing kumbaya. And no magical shortcut that will bring all your worlds together in peaceful harmony. The best way to introduce a new love interest is to have brief, low-key interactions outside your home and only speak about it casually to your daughter. When your daughter feels unthreatened, things can always ramp up. The worst thing that can happen is that you’ve prioritize your daughter as secondary and things don’t work out with your new friend. Adult companions can come and go, but your relationship with your daughter is lifelong.
