Grandparens have many benefits and almost none of the responsibility for modern child rearing. With increasing demands on work, parents often lean on grandparents for more than casual child-minding duties. And the more time kids spend with the grandparents, the higher the likelihood that parental lines can be crossed.

I have a friend whose 9 year-old son spent (past tense) most of the working hours of the weekday in the grandparents’ care after school. The parents had purchased a newer and larger bicycle for his birthday but he wasn’t to take it out until the weekend when the whole family can be together. But the grandparents thought otherwise. Against the parents’ directions, the grandparents, unaware of the boy’s riding skills took him out. He took a nasty spill and flew over the handlebars at speed and literally lost his two front teeth. One of them was cracked beyond repair. After major restorative surgery and thousands of dollars later, the child will now go through life with a false front tooth.

While this is a tragic incident, the influence of grandparents is undeniable. Setting aside unfortunate outcomes from that well-intentioned bike ride, the grandparents’ indulgence can cast unintended consequences not only on the grandchildren, but their own children (the parents). Worst yet, grandparents with conflicting child rearing approaches and unfettered access to them can inflict more quarrels and conflict on yet another generation. Harm can range from grandkids believing they are the center of the universe to being the center of none.

 

Age doesn’t always mean wise. Others’ experiences aren’t aways better. Most of the time, they are outdated and anchored in personal bias without rationale. 

 

My daughter is an avid swimmer. She’s extremely competitive and wakes up before the crack of dawn to prepare for her 5:30am swim practice. Her schedule and her mealtimes are planned around swim times. And when I heard that her grandmother told her that she is eating too much or not at all, it solidified my belief that in-laws should be called out-laws. As I later told my daughter, food on the table is for everybody. And she is neither too skinny or too fat and it was not for her mom’s mom to judge.

For grandparents who do not follow parenting decisions or are in conflict with them, problems will arise. According to a study authored by Clark, Freed, Singer, Gebremariam & Schultz, 2020, 32% of parents limit the amount of time children see grandparents. A whopping 42% limit the amount of the time children see grandparents who refused to change. Parenting is already tough enough. Parenting with a narcissist is even more undesirable.  Add in a dose of gaslighting grandparents whose parenting skills are two generation behind, then the situation just becomes entirely unwarranted.

For me, I don’t bother to negotiate a happy medium and I certainly don’t compromise when it comes to my daughter. I am the primary parent and most of what we do works for us. Others are here to help out—not to put me out. So there’s no part of parental interference I find acceptable. That should also be your motto, too. Age doesn’t always mean wise. Others’ experiences aren’t aways better. Most of the time, they are outdated and anchored in personal bias without rationale. My focus is and has always been to involve, not deny nor indulge, my daughter. And as she grows up, her ideals will be hers formulated by the input of many, including me, her mom and maybe a dose from peers and society. Undermining me or directly affecting the behavior of my daughter is just meddling and disruptive. Everybody should know their relationship and role relative to me and my daughter and stay within their lanes.