From rhymes to rows

When my daughter was younger, she and her friends would have very simple ways of determining outcomes. Who should go first? Who should be it? Et cetra. The simple children rhyme, “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe” and other variants would do the trick. As girls leave Grade 1, the acceleration of their language and social skills are matched only by their determination to exert their opinions. And soon, the systematic ways of songs and rhymes will give way to barbs and rows. I don’t mean the kind of rows that teachers put students into orderly lines, I mean the kind that flares into noisy, acrimonious spats as girls battle with each other with their wit and deft.

Boys have unofficial rites of passage where groups of males will subject newcomers to demonstrate strength and endurance. When girls set out to welcome outsiders, rarely does it require demonstrating anything physical — more likely it is psychological.

Boys have unofficial rites of passage where groups of males will subject newcomers to initiation and other (usually physical) acts to demonstrate strength, endurance or loyalty — perhaps all three. This type of socialization is common and sometimes even expected. Boys seek out this type of engagement to gain social acceptance and elevate their social status; it is their arena. As parents, we don’t exactly condone such behavior, but we also do little to curb it.

For girls, however, their arena is not so obvious. Girls’ strengths aren’t so much brawn as it is brains. When groups of girls set out to welcome outsiders to a tight knit group, rare is there a requirement to demonstrate anything physical and more likely it is psychological. In fact, these types of engagements don’t end when one is physically exhausted (like with males), but ends when one gives in to mental and emotional surrender (at least temporarily). In many ways, these battles can go on for a very long time:  days and weeks. Depending on the issue, I would imagine that it can go on for years! My daughter’s interaction with her former bully is still one that perplexes me. Susie (obviously not her real name) still tries to cast her influence on my daughter. My daughter tolerates her presence until she decides she’s had enough. My daughter will enlist the help of her other girlfriends to support her will to isolate Susie which typically results in Susie being alone.  The group comes back together again after a long absence and the power struggle repeats itself anew.

I generally don’t interfere with the way my daughter resolve her social scuffles. There is no way I can understand all the players and all of their agenda to be able to derive a suitable one for my daughter. And even if I could, I generally wouldn’t – unless I see or can clearly anticipate physical or psychological harm. It is essential that my daughter figure it out for herself as the social hierarchies continue to become complicated. The only thing I can do for my daughter is to raise her to believe in herself and stand up for her own interests and opinions. Believing in her, keeping the communications open and always having her back is the best way I can help my daughter. If you consistently do this with yours, then chances are she’ll turn out just fine.