As my daughter’s cohort get older and their birthday parties become mini-adult parties, the level of preparation, commitment, and expense rise. Gone are the days when one I would drive her to another birthday party with a last-minute or re-gift in a bag to a kid who happened to be in the same daycare group. Now, parties are dining out with close friends and gifts, though not expensive, but are personally chosen.
My daughter and her group recently brainstormed and pooled their money to buy a gift for the birthday girl. All goes well until it’s time to pay the person who actually went to the store to buy the gift. In a recent instance, my daughter was left literally holding the bag when one of the four girls backed out of sharing the cost of this gift. WTF was my daughter’s first thought. They all thought the move was lame and agreed it’s not fair to back out last minute leaving only three to pay. I also agreed and said that the fourth girl shouldn’t be allowed to put her name on the card as she had originally wanted to.
The sensei had remarkable clarity and very simply said, ‘find a replacement that the other three agrees to and if that wasn’t possible, then the fourth would still have to pay’.
Back when I was in university, there was an out-of-town karate event. Four of us decided to rent a car to drive there. Since the event registration already included meals (cafeteria food) and accommodation (sleeping on the dojo floor), the only shared expense was the car rental and gas. We were all university kids so roughing it was like living regularly anyway. Then a week before we were supposed to leave, one of the four pulled out citing some immemorable reason. He reasoned that since he wasn’t going, he wouldn’t have to pay. Our sensei heard this and joined to observe. I was a poor student and barely stretched to pay for my own registration, car rental, food and next month’s rent. I couldn’t absorb someone else’s cost. All of us felt the same financial squeeze. The fourth disagreed and insisted that he didn’t need to pay since he wasn’t going.
The sensei had remarkable clarity and very simply said to the karatekas, find a replacement that the other three agrees to and if that wasn’t possible, then he would still have to pay. We all paused and accepted that decision for different reasons. This was a man who can kill us by flicking his pinkie and so none of us dared challenge his thinking. It was a remarkably simple solution to a self-inflicted problem. In the end, the three of us packed into the rental car and took turns driving and sleeping in the back.
We had a great road trip with music, chats, jokes and laughs. We all came back with bruises and aching bodies, but we wouldn’t have it any other way. And the bill was still divided by four.
I told my daughter that the next time she is tasked with buying the gift, “Collect the money first and then give back what is left over.” She couldn’t agree more.
