It used to be easy to get an A in school. It used to be easy to move up a swim levels and up until she hung up her cello bow, learning a new piece used to take days, not weeks. “Am I getting stupider?” my daughter asked. Well, let’s start by not using words that don’t exist! It is true that my daughter is realizing that mere efforts no longer stand out anymore. Homework now requires more time to finish with the teacher expecting more original thought and analysis compared to simple recall once upon a time. Even physical activities require more sweat and dedication to make marginal improvements! “What’s going on?” she asked.

“Quite simply,” I put it, “you’re getting more advance in all your pursuits.” She was no longer in an interest-only program where attendance was optional; her activities aren’t just used to expose a child to different hobbies and doubled as babysitting service while us parents tended to chores or enjoyed a respite. School isn’t just memorization; but problem solving in preparation for higher learning. As for swimming, the coaches weren’t simply looking for improvements in stroke forms or times, but the mental maturity to deal with performance anxieties and competitive stress. “You’re playing the full board now and the fact that you’ve not fallen behind means you are keeping up. Recognize that as an achievement already! Excelling takes time.”

 

Put in the effort not because you must, but because you can.

 

My daughter often remarks on how much time I spend working and talking to people on the computer. She has friends who also commiserate at how much their parents work, leaving little time for other things. There are ebbs and flows: sometimes, I slack off and take the afternoon off with her; other times, I work until 2 o’clock in the morning. It’s the tough moments that make the easier ones more enjoyable and precious. But without hard work, growth and reward is simply not possible. I asked my daughter as she prepares for high school, would she rather stay in Grade 8 forever and not be challenged? Look how much you’ve progressed in middle school? Imagine how far you’ll go in high school! Her answer was obvious.

“Don’t look for moment so prodigious achievement,” I said to her. “Look for meaningful feats that incrementally add to your skills and interest which moves you forward. This way, you are not expending inordinate energy to achieve something with little meaning or impact to you.”

I told her that when I first entered university, I started to learn karate and my goal was to get a black belt. Four plus years of bruised flesh and ego later, I achieved it and was bestowed a handmade black belt with my name embroidered on it. Then my sensei said to me, “Now, you can begin to practice karate.” I chided without being disrespectful, what was I doing before? “You were only learning to practice. This belt is not a destination but is only the beginning of your journey.” My mind exploded.

I am certain that my daughter will have her own reckoning. My last words to my daughter on this topic, “Put in the effort not because you must, but because you can.”