Kids often have a favorite parent

It’s easy for me to say I have a favorite child because I only have one child. However, if you are a dad of two or more children, you can’t (or shouldn’t) so easily make the same statement. Even though we are not supposed to have favorites, the reality is that some personalities have better affinity than others and now at least one study confirms that parents do have favorites among their own children. While I am not knowledgeable to speak of this situation, I am here to offer another startling revelation: kids can also have a favorite parent too! Yeah, that’s right. Kids sometimes prefer one parent over the other.

We experience affinity with friends, coworkers and even strangers. If we identify with an element of the other person that speaks to us, we tend to give that person our time and attention. We tend to be more accommodating and more forgiving, too. Comparatively, if we see someone who is separate and different from ourselves, we can be abrasive, critical, and even discriminating. As adults and certainly as parents, we are able to control the expression of those sentiments far better than children. Kids’ expression of these emotions can be downright candid simply because they are still working through filtering and coping mechanisms including empathy. Kids don’t have a lot of life experiences to place themselves in other people’s shoes. So how do you deal with it when your child shows favoritism to one parent over the other?

Divorced parents need to stop outdoing each other to win the favorite title; it’s not about you. You can’t be the parent who lavishes delights and decadence and not offer order and discipline. You also can’t be the despot and expect cuddles at the end of the day, either. Kids don’t flippantly choose the parent like they would a soda drink; they respond to the emotion and experience of the time spent with that parent.

First of all, let’s separate love from favoritism. Love is unconditional. Love speaks of support, growth, protection, sacrifice and everything you can think of to best describe the moment you held your infant child in your arms. Favorites are like preferences. It can only happen when there’s a choice and it doesn’t mean a rejection of the one not chosen. My daughter prefers mango ice cream over chocolate. She still loves chocolate, but mango goes better with a bubble tea; chocolate with a cookie. Now here’s the slippery slope. Young children may have a favorite parent who allows them to do favorable things. Like watching extra TV, going to bed late, eating junk food, defer cleaning up their room or other fun things. The parent who enforces good discipline, adheres to a schedule, expects a helping hand in chores, locks down screen time and other un-fun things would find themselves painted by the same broad brush. That’s why it is important in a two household situation, your child needs you to be both the fun dad and the enforcer. Divorced parents need to stop outdoing each other to win the favorite title; it’s not about you. You can’t be the parent who lavishes delights and decadence and not offer order and discipline. You also can’t be the despot and expect cuddles at the end of the day, either. Being only the bringer of good things is a short game and will backfire as you would have robbed your child of a father figure who should be authentic and supportive through all of it. You can’t buy this.

Second, the older the child gets the less direct intervention she needs from a parent. When she doesn’t want me holding her hand to cross the street, she’s not rejecting me; it’s not about me. She’s exerting her independence. She is also less likely to be swayed by trinkets and treats. Her maturing personality is increasingly dictated by her interests, activities and latitude to pursue them. The alignment of those interests and her parents’ involvement can greatly shape the response. Kids don’t flippantly choose the parent like they would a soda drink; they respond to the emotion and experience of the time spent with that parent. In her tween years and especially in her teenager years, parental distance is also required for the child’s self-management. It’s not a rejection of you, but a demonstration of detachment that she is separate from you. Building complex and everlasting parent/child dyads require the closeness and separation in cyclical tides.

Parents who find themselves unexpectedly experiencing this distance, must first put their own ego aside, regardless of how much it might hurt. Your child is old enough to have a discussion about favorites and preferences. And about alone time and closeness. Help her understand why she feels a particular way. Do the exercise yourself and understand why you feel a particular way. Her feelings are her truth so ask her to identify and listen to them. Take the opportunity to teach her to use discretion about truthfulness. My daughter tells me that I don’t cuddle the way mommy does and hers feel better. My daughter almost always wants mommy when she’s in physical pain (loose tooth, stubbed toe, skinned knee, etc). She also loves watching movies with mommy all wrapped up in a blanket on a couch. I accept all of that and don’t compete in that space. My daughter finds comfort with me in her own ways as we have things that we do she doesn’t do with her mom. I am not and will not be all things to her and am content with the space we’ve carved out.

For the important things, I teach my daughter to recognize her emotions and stand up for her own opinions, so it makes no sense for me to be upset if her preferences do not align with mine. It would also be ridiculous to be upset because she’s made a decision and had spoken up about it. If I did, would that not undermine all of my own efforts in fatherhood? My daughter does have favorites. So does yours. But it doesn’t mean she can do without either of you.