“Daddy, will you marry again?”
My daughter asked me one day out of the blue, “Daddy, will you marry again?” I haven’t thought about it. Why? “Because if you want to, you can marry [name left intentionally blank], my friend’s mom.” But she’s a lesbian. “I know.” What does that mean? “It means she doesn’t like boys.” So why would I marry her? “So my friend and I can be sisters and we could all live together.” I laughed and offered that she can go there to play without me marrying either of the moms.
An innocent dialogue but it is one I am familiar. My sister has asked if there was one I regularly see. Even my mom has asked if I will remarry but cautioned that my daughter won’t like it. Separately, my daughter has also pleaded with me not to remarry. Seems that the important women in my life are all very interested in my sex life. In contrast, the men in my life who comprise mostly of my brother and buddies don’t seem to care. But truth be told, I have thought about it. In fact, I’ve actually thought this through quite a bit.
The economics of formalizing a new relationship isn’t compelling enough, for me, right now. But the most important reason for me not to contemplate the question of re-marriage is that my young daughter has nothing to gain and would in fact experience a tremendous sense of loss. Her problem isn’t a lack of parents; just access to both at the same time. She has no need for a third parent.
First of all, I have to be pragmatic and reflect on the economics of formalizing a new relationship. Divorce was expensive and rebuilding took time. As a man who makes (many) decisions based on cost benefit analysis, there is currently no compelling reason for me to remarry right now. I hate to say it, but I’ve often seen marriages start as Hallmark moments only to end in spreadsheets. In financial terms, the upside isn’t compelling enough for the risk, for me, right now. For one thing, if I endure another financial half-life, it will be my daughter who suffers—not just me. Her schooling and other expensive commitments are yet to come!
Second, let’s set aside the perspective of what I anticipate on receiving in a formal relationship (conversation, companionship and of course, sex). By being a 100% dad half the time, working 40-60 hours a week while doing it, family commitments (my mom, siblings) and a few hobbies (including this blog), I’m exhausted. During the other weeks when my daughter is with her mom, I enjoy (need) my own free time. So whatever time is left, I’ll seek out single-servings of conversation and companionship which are not in short supply. I also haven’t spent enough time with any individual to cultivate a relationship to take it to any serious level anyway, so let’s just leave it at that.
The final and most important reason for me not to contemplate the question of re-marriage (at least right now) has to do with my daughter. Really! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not prioritizing her life over mine; it’s not a zero-sum game. I don’t have an aversion to it. I enjoyed being married. I see how healthy and functional marriages can work; some of my best friends are in them and I am truly envious. But, for my young daughter, she has nothing to gain and would in fact experience a tremendous sense of loss if I did enter into a new marriage. Currently she is supported by an involved father and a loving mother who just happens to live in two households. Her problem isn’t a lack of parents; just access to both at the same time. She has no need for a third parent. Contrast this to a single mother raising a boy who needs a father figure and it’ll be evidently clear why my daughter’s world would be too crowded. In fact, my daughter has told me on a few occasions that she would actually be mean to any new mom. I corrected her and said that she already has a mom and no one will take that place just like I will always be her dad and no one will replace me. She didn’t find comfort in those statements and said that she doesn’t want to share me. Sweet. She doesn’t want anything to change and she will openly sabotage it. I respect the straightforwardness.
I’m not starving for attention. And while I’m not saying that by not-marrying, it will destine me to a life of singledom hobo-hood any more than marrying will guarantee eternal family bliss. In fact, I can move from being single to married far easier than the other way around. But for now, for right now, I am just enjoying life exactly the way I have it laid out. I don’t feel I need permanent female companionship to feel complete. So, the answer to my daughter’s short and succinct question is an equally short and succinct response: not today. Let’s enjoy each other’s company now; tomorrow is a different day.