Never live within the limitations of others
Report card time at my daughter’s school is always a non-affair. Her class size is small enough that every kid gets the necessary attention they reasonably need and the teacher is opened to parent communication so that any remediation can happen long before official evaluation takes place. For me, my talk with her teacher usually focuses on behavioral and social developments—not academics. So when her teacher touched upon my child’s level of confidence, and her inner modesty which can hide her ability and ambitions, I knew exactly what she was referring because I’ve seen it.
My daughter started swimming when she was 3 years old! After seven years in the pool, she swims far beyond her years. She’s also quite adept at individual and relay competition. But during warm up and skills training, 3 or 4 young swimmers are assigned to each lane. I often see her modify her speed so she doesn’t bump up against the other swimmers’ kicks. In fact she slows down quite a bit waiting for more distance to widen before she continues. While this is noble, it breaks her stride and kills her time. It also does nothing to bring out her potential. If she swims within her own lane, coaches won’t realize to move her to faster lanes with fewer swimmers.
She will fail and that’s okay since nobody does anything perfectly the first time. But failures will lead to eventual success. Each success will build confidence. It only works this way; not the reverse.
In the classroom, her teacher tells me that while my daughter is quite organized in her work and manages her time accordingly, she often doesn’t want to be the first to complete an assignment. Instead, she’d wait for someone else to be the first mover and then she’ll put in the full effort. This could manifest in other ways, I’m told. My daughter often reads what the class is reading rather than exploring different books and topics. My daughter will often complete her assignment exceptionally well, but doesn’t always show the initiative to ask for something more challenging. Her self-censorship and self-pacing may be a good regulator, but we’re worried that her potential is pushing up against an artificial ceiling—a ceiling set by others.
As a child of divorce, my daughter spends half the time with me and I have little influence on how she is socialized when she is with her mother. But we’ve already established that life in my house is very different than life at her mom’s house. So I surmised that part of my daughter’s vacillation between authority and passivity has to do with either parent’s approach to failure. I often put my daughter into situations that challenges the norm and pushes her outside her comfort zone and even actively put her in situations where she needs to be in charge. She will fail and that’s okay since nobody does anything perfectly the first time. But failures will lead to eventual success. Each success will build confidence. It only works this way; not the reverse.
So her teacher and I are encouraging my daughter to be more expressive. I tell her the next time she encounters a slow swimmer, tap them politely and tell them you are swimming through (even her coach told her to do this as she often informs the slower golfers ahead that that she’d play through). Her teacher tells her next time she picks up a book, pick one that speaks to her; not one that’s been checked out by other classmates. Her teacher is encouraging her to ‘speaking up’ which is different from ‘speaking out.’ Her teacher is also telling her to be the first mover to hand things in early; this way, her teacher can review and give her one-on-one feedback follow by free time even before most kids have finished their work!
Boundaries and limitations are designed to keep things in. She’s realizing whole new worlds exist beyond them.
