She will look to you, dad, to validate her feelings

I’ve always told my daughter that she should trust her feelings as a source of truth. At the age of 8, she generally knows what is right from rule and what is appropriate or not. And although others in her life may tell her what to do, what to say or sometimes even what to think, nobody can tell her what or how to feel. This comes from within. It is a source that should always be acknowledged and never be ignored.

As a man, I express my feelings quite openly and sometimes, quite viscerally. If I am happy, I can’t help but to share it. If I am angry, it is very evident and people steer clear of me. My daughter has seen me express a range of emotions from throwing phones to shedding a tear. But what’s consistent about me is I tell my daughter that emotions shouldn’t be suppressed; like a storm, the emotion should be allowed to pass. If one is upset, express being upset (without upsetting other people); and then get over it. Same thing with anger: yell and scream (hopefully not always at people) if it helps to allow the frustration an outlet so it doesn’t manifest in physical forms. Let the emotion pass and don’t stay there. This is very, very important. A person has to normalize and return to a neutral state to allow another (hopefully more positive) emotion to be felt and expressed. Strong emotions are like passing dark clouds.

People almost never seek validation from others when it comes to expressing joy. But emotions like disappointment, anger, guilt or even grief, have judgments tied to them like lead weights. Propriety doesn’t preclude or invalidate its expression. As her dad, help her first to recognize the legitimacy of her feelings. Then teach her to find the right way to express the emotions in the most cathartic way for herself. Closure is not possible without first admitting the feeling’s purpose—much less its existence.

Not too long ago, my daughter was looking forward to a play date and when the day finally came, the friend’s mother called to cancel last minute. The mother had explained that she had forgotten a previously booked play date and had to cancel out on my daughter. The worst part was that my daughter knows this other kid too as the three of them used to go to the same school. I didn’t sugar coat the story and told my daughter that her play date got canceled because her friend traded up. She was completely shocked. Incredulous would be a more accurate description. The face on her was a combination of disbelief, disappointment, rejection, anger and sadness all rolled into one. She was literally on the verge of tears as she was trying to make sense of this bento-box of mixed emotions. After a few long seconds, she looked at me and asked in a soft voice of concede whether I thought it was fine for her to friend to do this. Clearly she was seeking a second opinion and looking to validate her feelings. I replied immediately and said that it was most definitely not fine. Her playmate was being a bad friend. And she didn’t even have the gumption to personally tell my daughter and instead instructed her mother to do it. Her mother being the messenger and allowing this to happen is a whole other foul dish altogether. My daughter couldn’t contain her pain anymore and let loose a torrent of tears. I held her in my arms as she cried for minutes.

I didn’t say a thing for those long minutes. Didn’t feel the need to break the silence. I didn’t tell her it was okay. Clearly it was not okay to be treated like this by a friend. I didn’t tell her that we can plan another play date with her next time. She may not want to and didn’t have. I also didn’t tell her to stop crying and move on. She will stop when her pain is over and this is her way of moving on; her emotions may take longer than two minutes to pass. After her bout of tears, she regained her composure and said, “I would never do that to a friend.” Good for you, I supported. “I’m not going to plan anything with her again. She always cancels last minute.” She has a habit of doing this, I confirmed. No word of a lie, but my daughter got up, determined that she wasn’t going to let her ‘friend’ spoil her day and decided to plan something else.  I’d be happy to help plan something else without her friend, I cheered on.

People almost never seek validation from others when it comes to expressing joy. It’s a universally accepted state of happiness that is both contagious and disarming. But when it comes to many other emotions like disappointment, anger, guilt or even grief, there are judgments tied to these emotions like lead weights. As for propriety, our society has established norms and decorum which dictate when and how these emotions should be displayed. A child won’t understand all of these conditions. But that doesn’t preclude or invalidate its expression. So especially as her dad, a man of few words and perhaps fewer emotions (not because you don’t have them, but because you express them in different ways over different times), you have to help her first to recognize the legitimacy of her feelings. Then you teach her to seek options so she can express the emotions in the most cathartic way for herself. Closure is not possible without first admitting the feeling’s purpose—much less its existence.