Cello music has resonated in our home for years. I love the sound of it and I love it more when my daughter learns a new piece. Not only is it a nice instrument to listen to, it’s also very calming and fulfilling to hear the notes come together when my daughter learns a new piece of music. But for the last two years, music and her swimming had been on a collision course. She had opted to go to group class every Monday instead of swim practice. This is partly because there were 4 or 5 more swim practices in the week and she can afford to throw one in favor of the once weekly cello group class. As a new season approached, again, Monday night was the battle ground and this year, she had to step away from the cello as the demands of senior swim team raises the competition bar even higher.
This time, it wasn’t dad pushing too hard or the dread of practicing or the even years of Covid isolation which made cello unenjoyable for my daughter. This time, she walked away for her own reasons. She had ended the previous year on a high ‘note’ and made the tough decision to decommit. She took full ownership of the decision and with her head held high, spoke to her friends and teacher and made a graceful exit from the cello school. It was bittersweet. But I think, it may have been more bitter than sweet for me. And I took it personally.
It’s every parent’s dread: a child steps away from an activity after years of investment. Setting aside the tens of thousands of dollars in fees, countless hours waiting and driving and tanks of gas spent shuttling her to all her lessons, classes and recitals not to mention annual conferences, organized community events and even out of town workshops. She sunk a lot of energy into this endeavor which was central to her life and it was the cause for much friction between me and the ex-wife who openly opposed this activity. My daughter (and vicariously, me) spent 8 years building relations with this group. Putting the instrument down also meant walking away from this close community. I know it’s not about me, but I got pulled into her world and this decision she made impacted me as well.
Her music instructor once said to her that musicians play because they must; it’s their living. But former music students play because they can. That’s a different kind of music appreciation and enjoyment.
Not to say that my daughter was trading up for something better as there was no guarantee that even with the added time invested into swimming, she’ll achieve something she couldn’t if she had kept both activities going. This, of course, is not an economic transaction, and there is no expectation of return beyond sheer enjoyment for pursuing something that my daughter is passionate about. But I can’t ignore the fact that we simply stopped doing something that’s been an integral part of more than half her life!
My daughter did say she is not opposed to taking an occasional lesson to keep up her practice and her teacher agreed. We did find time to attend the string school’s Winter Concert so she can see her friends and the faculty. Although she doesn’t volunteer for music duties anymore, she still keeps in touch with her cello buddies and one of them even attends the same high school and in some of the same classes. So, in effect, she hasn’t walked far away. Years of empowerment has helped her decide how to quit for the right reasons as opposed to quitting because it’s convenient and shying away in dishonor.
And in a recent school talent show, I made little effort to convince her to play a piece for the whole school. She did. Even students and faculty who don’t know my daughter now know her as the part-time cellist. She still takes pride in it and I think she enjoys it even more now. Her instructor once said to her that musicians play because they must; it’s their living. But former music students play because they can. That’s a different kind of music appreciation and enjoyment. While paused, I am sure the music will always play in her heard and mind, even if silently.
