I don’t tell my daughter to call her mom anymore
Once upon a time, I would remind my daughter at the end of the day to call her mom. It was done because she was young and needed to be prompted or we were out and preoccupied with other things. But mainly I did it to be a good co-parent so that our daughter has equal access to both parents regardless of the residential calendar. But as she got older, I reminded her less and less. Now, I don’t even bother.
My daughter has been bouncing between two homes since before she turned three. She barely remembers it any other way. She has also developed some strong personalities and has a different relationship with me compared to her mother. Whatever the circumstances, I do not interfere. But I do know that my daughter has more disagreements with her mom than she does with me. So, for the most part, I generally let her emotions guide her communications and her contact with her mother—up to a point.
We are not in a situation where there is a court order in place defining visitation of a non-custodial parent as we currently enjoy shared custody. From her perspective, she’ll get to see either parent like regular clockwork, anyway. But each rotation affirms the child’s preference and affinity for a parent’s style. When she’s at her mom’s, I don’t call her. It’s not because I don’t think about my daughter—I just don’t feel I need to check in on her like that. I choose to give my daughter the choice to call me, instead. And she always does. In the past we used to talk just before she heads to bed, so 8 pm became our habitual call time even though she goes to bed much later now. Nine times out of ten, she calls to ask about my day and our phone calls can last anywhere from five-minutes to an hour-long conversation. On the rare occasion when we don’t talk like during vacationing, we know ahead of time and planned accordingly.
Afterall, kids her age don’t use a phone to talk; it’s used for group chats, TikTok and listening to Spotify. If I were surfing on the phone, I too, would find an incoming call to be disruptive—and startling!
On the other hand, her mom calls her every night when our daughter’s at my house. It could be in the middle of dinner or a movie night. The call from her mom has an arresting (almost interrupting) effect on my daughter. At first, I tell her to call her mom to preempt her calls so she doesn’t feel she needs to stop what she doing to receive a check-in call. Then one day, my daughter said, “I don’t need to call first, my phone will ring anyway.”
Part of me acknowledges that my daughter sometimes feels obligated. But another part of me sympathizes with her especially as she’s getting older and has activities with others that could make taking a call simply inconvenient. While I would not dictate to my daughter the conditions under which to take a call from a parent, I do want to foster a sense of self-determination so that her conversations with her mother (and me) are more organic than contrived.
But the one thing I see that isn’t visible is why my daughter doesn’t always approach these phone calls with her mom with more excitement. I also see evidence where my daughter’s burgeoning personality is encroaching on her mother’s maternal domain. Whatever that means and however it unfolds, I see signs of exasperation from my daughter and I feel the brunt of the frustration projected onto me by the ex-wife. I shrug it off.
It’s amazing how much a missed phone call can say. All I can do is stay close to my daughter. I can’t hear everything, see everything and know everything. I just have to believe that my approach of giving my daughter more and more age-appropriate choices will prompt her to make better and better decisions. And forcing her to make or take a phone call isn’t going to get us there. Afterall, kids her age don’t use a phone to talk; it’s used for group chats, TikTok and listening to Spotify. If I were surfing on the phone, I too, would find an incoming call to be disruptive—and startling!
