Mens rea and actus reus are the two grounding concepts in law that define both intend and action to determine a person’s culpability of actions. Having only one of the two fails the burden of proof necessary to reach conclusive determination. In real life, intend is often not followed by action. That’s great if one fantasizes about driving home a money filled Brinks truck, but in parenting, without follow through, it’s disastrous. Often, we as parents intend to do well, but it’s simply not enough and hence good intentions liter not the road to hell, but the road to purgatory.
The problem with good intentions is that one never really knows the intended recipients’ goals. And in the absence of such, the outsider can only critique actions which are often layered with personal bias. This leaves the recipient stranded with half-baked advice and incomplete assists and nowhere near the desires and aims of the recipient—not even incrementally. This helps nobody and only serves to hijack the journey. Often, uninvited advice from others in the name of good intentions has no meaningful application.
The most effective way to change this is to recognize that any good intentions must have a good go-forward plan. The difference now is that the originator of the advice must have forethought before dispensing any advice. Think of an autumn corn maze that parents take their children through. Decisions can’t be made in isolation and progress isn’t guaranteed with just movement. Conversely, a map in the mall is meaningless if it doesn’t show you the paths between where you are and where you want to go. Sometimes, getting to the end means taking two steps or more back—sometimes multiple times.
We can’t simply assume an end point and aimlessly interfere with their decision-making process in favor of our own default views.
Like a good manager, the most effective way to lead is to first brief the team on the intended outcome. Second, is to empower members of the team to use their personal experiences. This includes letting them experiment and creating a safe space for members to fail; an invaluable step. Lastly, is to have regular checkpoints not only to monitor progress but to share lessons learnt.
Turning our attention back to our children who obviously have less teaming experience than our coworkers, we must be even more accommodative. Part of their journey is for them to map out for themselves not just their goals, but their comfort level to achieve those goals. If they are not comfortable with even that, then the journey is irrelevant. We can’t simply assume an end point and aimlessly interfere with their decision-making process in favor of our own default views. While actions are always easier to observe than intent, it is the latter that provides truly meaningful guidance.
