Bossiness: telling your daughter to do stuff vs. not letting your daughter do stuff
My daughter and I have a task list that is held by a big magnet on the fridge door. It helps us keep track of what needs to be done and who needs to do it. Occasionally, I still have to remind her – sometimes repeatedly. Then one night, she said to me, “Do this. Do that. La la this. La la that. Why are you so bossy always telling me to do everything and I never tell you to do anything?” I think she was genuinely pissed at me for being a dictatorial dad and she’s had enough of me pushing her around! Then, I calmly replied, “That’s because I do everything already and don’t need you to remind me.” We both went bed feeling a bit upset.
The next day, after having had the luxury of a good night’s sleep, and an uneventful day at work and school, I decided to redress the discussion from the night before. I asked her to make a list of food items we were running low on so we can buy them next time at the grocery store. I asked her to help me cook dinner with what food we did have. After dinner, while I cleaned, I asked her to make suggestions for tomorrow’s dinner and check the ingredients to see that we actually have it. In fact, I asked her to help me with just about everything including locking all the doors before going to bed. Later I told her that as a daddy, there are many things that I do which are not on the list. She got a tiny taste of parenthood that night.
When your kid complains that you are being bossy, ask yourself whether you are vigorously and genuinely encouraging her to be more or whether you are holding her back because she is outgrowing your boundaries
I challenge my daughter. I admit that sometimes, I push her hard enough to give her reasons to push back. I want her to stand up for herself and even challenge me — the father figure — if she feels there is unjust; especially if there is unjust. Me telling her to do stuff is not because I want an assistant to do my chores; it’s because I want her to develop her independence. I’m not pushing her to grow up quicker than she is already, but I also don’t shield her from a healthy dose of hard work and forethought. When girls realize that the reason why you push them so hard telling them to do things is because you trust them enough to make more impactful decisions, you will see a shift in their response. They will see your commands less as nagging directives and more as empowering endorsements.
The other extreme is putting your daughter on a short leash and confining her desires and expressions. Not allowing her to hang out for a few hours at her best friend’s house by herself without you hovering in the kitchen with the other parent is a statement more about your unwillingness to let go and trust your daughter. More likely, it’s the chronic twin-problem of parenting of our times: not letting your kid experience risk and rescuing them too quickly when they face problems. I have written about this before. If kids aren’t exposed to manageable risk, they don’t get opportunities to identify their own comfort levels. They never get exposed to problems and if they do, parents often intervene too quickly and the child never fully resolves their own conflict.
Somewhere between Robin Williams’ portrayal of British nanny Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) who wanted to be with his kids after marital strife and Jon Hamm’s Mad Men (2007-2015) Don Draper who was the quintessential American loner dad, unable to connect with anyone, is a spectrum of dads we identify with. Next time, when your kid complains that you are being bossy, ask yourself whether you are vigorously and genuinely encouraging her to be more or whether you are holding her back because she is outgrowing your own boundaries.