What divorce did to me

I wanted to get married. Shortly after graduating from college, I worked for a large company and was later required to travel 42 out of 52 weeks for my role. For a single guy, it was a great job. I got to see much of the U.S. and the world on the company’s dime. But, I had little to no social life. I rarely got to see my buddies back home. Dating was nonexistent and I would often miss family gatherings. When I left this job after nearly five years to do something more ‘local’, I started to date again. A lot. I was probably making up for lost time. My family got annoyed as I often brought new women to gatherings which I attended more frequently, too. After a while, my family didn’t invest much time to get to know my companions as they weren’t sure how long they’d be around. My nephew even labeled me as a serial dater. Then I met a woman who would later be my wife. Full of ambitions, time and hormones, we fell in love instantly. I was ready. We got married and life was great. I was no longer asking for a table of one. Then I wound up working for another multinational company and shortly afterwards, I was relocated, again. But this time, to a different country. Rather than city hopping in the US, I was country hopping in Asia, Europe and even Africa. Childless at the time, we had a great adventure. It was the best of times. Then our lives changed when our child was born abroad. We lived the expat family life for a while and eventually moved back home. I took another ‘local’ job. The transition was too abrupt. Readjusting was too stressful and parenting made us perpetually tired. We fell into a trap where we were living like roommates taking turns rearing a toddler. There was little communication and much conflict. After a while, I didn’t know what I was fighting for anymore and I just stopped fighting, for anything. There was so much hostility and unhappiness that it was a game changing relief when we finally separated. I looked at my 3 year-old daughter and I thought that if the best of our times were already behind us, then there was no reason to stay married. It was the worst of times. The day after I signed the papers, I sunk my energies into 3 important things: my daughter, my work and myself.

It dawned on me that my divorce wasn’t just an event on my lifeline; it was a major inflection point of my life. No different than the significance of marrying or having a child. I also realized that consequences of my decisions in this stage of life are evident more quickly. So I became a man who cares very deeply about fewer things and less about many other things.

I come from a big family and family means a lot to me. I didn’t have a good male role model growing up and was determined to be one for my little girl. I cleaned up, and I stepped up. Getting 50% custody wasn’t a contentious issue and it is a role I totally relish. Divorce actually brought my daughter and me closer together as I had to be both mother and father to this young person when she’s with me. Over the years, our conversations have grown and are well documented in this blog. We’ve become so close and our conversations so precious, I’m fortunate I am able to chronicle and share some of these moments with the world.

My work has been steady. The ‘local’ job I took simply meant that I don’t have to travel anymore. This afforded me the time I could invest with my daughter and my finances. Notwithstanding the wealth of any man, divorce really does take a toll which for me was eventually rebuilt and replenished. I also sunk a lot of time at work to build a name and credibility. I remember many years ago, my divorce lawyer asked me how much I worked. I said after my 9-5 day job, I have a 5-9 job for being daddy and then 9-1 am second-shift to catch up at work. She looked at me judgmentally without saying a word. Upon reflection, I used work as an escape at the time, but it was definitely not sustainable. She said to me, “You can’t be the dad you want to be if you work these hours. I don’t want you to call me representing you on custody claims because you weren’t around.” Her non-judgment was a wake-up call and I shifted my focus. I wound up throwing myself into large projects with complex issues and became the go-to-guy offering direction and advice for younger team members to do the bulk of the work and management. I learned to work smarter.

Although my identity and my health never deteriorated, I probably drank more than I should have. Thinking back, I did ignore one very important thing: my psychological self which was only evident to me years later. Shortly after the separation, I started fraternizing and reconnecting with adults on a social level during my off weeks from fatherhood. This was partly fueled by the latter years of a sexless marriage and male friends who wanted to live vicariously. A few of them were truly without class and needless to say, I took the time to unfriend a few to prune my social circle. I went back to the life of a serial dater and it was totally pathetic. I felt hollow and un-engaged with each repeat conversation and eventually stopped dating all together and opted for casual hook-ups. This became even more wretched and meaningless. So I stopped that too. There were many aspects of my life I needed to prune, most of all, my thinking.

With my paternal and professional life in good health, I took a long hard look at the train wreck of my personal life and realized that I acted contrary to the very advice I give my daughter: take care of yourself first. It dawned on me that my divorce wasn’t just an event on my lifeline; it was a major inflection point of my life. No different than the significance of marrying or having a child. While there was nothing to stop me from doing anything, it was the realization that consequences of my decisions in this stage of life are evident more quickly. In other words, with more time behind me than in front, my decisions have to count. This realization forced me to look at myself with new glasses and I took some drastic actions. I took a hedge trimmer to prune down my social tree and became very selective with whom I socialize. I also realized my body is not what it was and ordered a workout training guide from Men’sHealth entitled Muscle After 40 and stuck to it. I needed fewer calories so what I eat has also been optimized for my body; I quickly saw results. I took a realistic approach to my retirement forecast and factored miscellaneous expenses including medical costs that I don’t currently have and I started to read again and re-watch old movies with my daughter whom I think would enjoy. I’m becoming more a man who cares very deeply about fewer things and less about many other things. The things I care about are mostly timeless intangibles; the things I care least about are those not wasted with dying breath on my death bed. Even my therapists, whom I check in with annually, agreed. She said, “If you’d come see me more often, it would not have taken you six years to realize this.” Whether it was cathartic, redemptive or otherwise pedantic journey, it just feels honest to finally act my age.