Breaking up the family is tough when divorce happens. Breaking it up a second time because one parent needs to relocate can be even more traumatic, especially when kids are older and set in their ways with established social circles.
Years ago, when my own Separation Agreement was signed, there was a clause I had drafted where my ex and I wouldn’t move more than 15km apart. The intention was to ensure that our daughter’s school was the epicenter of our lives and we agreed to remain in close proximity to each other. Any relocation within this diameter requires notification; any relocation beyond this distance requires consent. Nearly a decade later as our daughter begins a new year at a new middle school, I found out accidentally that my ex had purchased a house beyond the city limits and intended to move our daughter…to a new school, quit existing clubs and abandon old friends. Needless to say, our 11 year-old was mortified. Notwithstanding my own opinions and the court’s legal judgement into the matter, there are three primary elements to any significant decisions made when a child of divorce is involved.
Consent. Even parents with no custodial arrangements have some legal rights as the biological or adoptive parent. Talk to a lawyer and understand your options and the limits of those rights. Just because a woman gave birth to a child, it doesn’t necessarily enshrine absolute authority over the offspring. The voice of the father cannot be summarily dismissed. Although it is not about the father; it is also not about the mother, either. In my case, I was a shared custody parent who provided majority residency of our daughter during the pandemic. This arrangement and the subsequent relocation of my ex out of the city made me the primary parent. I refused her consent to relocate our daughter. The judge agreed with me.
Most divorced parents treat visitation like incentives to drive a bargain. That’s sad for the kids who are treated like livestock.
Access. Your ex may not want to see you again, and your feelings are more than mutual, but a parent cannot unilaterally decide when and how the other parent can access the child. Most divorced parents treat visitation like incentives to drive a bargain. That’s sad for the kids who are treated like livestock. If a move is based on a parent’s ability to make a livelihood, then a new arrangement must be entered to ensure fair and just access to the child(ren). In my case, my ex had no personal or work ties to the new city. She couldn’t demonstrate that the relocation resulted in higher benefit to the child (or her). Ultimately, my ex’s move did not alter my daughter’s access to me, but it did adversely impact her access to our daughter. It’s a different perspective, but a crucial one especially as she becomes a teenager.
Consistency. In the end, the child’s lifestyle and surroundings must be maintained as a priority over all other matters. Children don’t do as well when they are repeatedly uprooted. It impacts their ability to form social connections; may have serious psychological and behaviorial knock-on effects and may even manifest as physical ailments. It simply isn’t in the child’s best interest to rip her away from her friends and drop her someplace for no legitimate and material reasons. Judges’ rulings in the 21st century have caught up to the reality of single-fathers and mixed-family arrangements bringing up children. Their bias in judgements is not anchored in the most convincing arguments but simply on the welfare of the child(ren). The system does function. It is slow, but it works.
Believe it or not, children do grow up. Yesterday they were in diapers; tomorrow, they will be teenagers making their own plans and giving you their opinions on matters that affect them. She is also entitled to an opinion on lifestyle and residency, at this age. While the parents may have been the bedrock for which the child has been anchored, it is the environment outside the home that provides her with socialization. Parents need to know that that is something they cannot provide. So even meeting all the above primary elements may not be enough, much less two or even just one out of the three.
At the end of the day, the issue of custody isn’t going to be determined by the parents nor the courts but by the child! My ex-wife’s life is now filled with commuting hours as she navigates the city for work, our daughter’s school, doctor’s appointments and extra-curricular activities. She probably spends more than 12 hours in traffic just on weekdays. This was self-inflicted and my daughter is growing increasingly tired as a passenger. Twelve hours is a lot of time to sit idle not doing homework or practicing her music. Twelve hours is a long time to be staring at a phone as she waits for a return to her mom’s out-of-city house. It will eventually end. Have faith.
